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Review: “X-Men: Days of Future Past”

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Days of Future Past PosterX-Men: Days of Future Past is the sequel to X-Men: The Last Stand (which was sort of decent, but not great), and X-Men: First Class (which was shockingly good), and even The Wolverine (couldn’t bring myself to see it). That’s right. This movie is the unholy offspring of a cinematic three-way. And it’s legal to show in theaters. Who could resist that? I had to go see it. It’s the law. No wonder the reviews for X-Men: Days of Future Past were so high!

Rotten Tomatoes gave DOFP a 92% freshness rating, while Metacritic gave it a 74% metascore. Geek blogs were raving about it as well. Still, any time travel movie that is the love child of a menage-a-troi is bound to have issues. Continuity issues, that is, which is something that geeks have been whining about with the X-Men movie franchise for years. Legend has it that DOFP is out to fix those issues, as well as erase the blasphemous turd that is Brett Ratner’s X-Men: The Last Stand.

Were the rumors true? Did this movie change my life the way that Avatar (which has 3 more sequels coming out because DAMMIT JAMES CAMERON!) changed the wedding plans of thousands of nerds? Or did it make X-Men Origins: Wolverine look like a masterpiece of cinema? (Shudder.)

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Review: “X-Men First Class”

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X-Men First ClassI read the reviews for X-Men: First Class before deciding to see it. They’ve been pretty solid up til now … but that’s how it goes when a movie is new. Still, I told myself, James McAvoy is a good actor and I really like the way January Jones’s boobies look in that bra. So, shit yeah, I’m in. On the negative side, the idea of Kevin Bacon playing Sabastian Shaw is pretty damn funny. I could see him as Mastermind or somebody like that, but Shaw is basically the ultimate evil guy in this one. For now, just try to picture this: Kevin Bacon is evil and he wants to rule the world.

You know you laughed. Can’t be helped.

I had other reasons for concern over the X-Men prequel even as my wife and I made our way to the theater. First, prequels usually suck. I’m looking at you, Star Wars. Second, Mystique looked pretty damn ridiculous in this movie. Sadly, I think the actress portraying her should have spent another hour in the makeup chair. I’d still beg her for sex and then spend the night at a titty bar when she said no1, but that’s beside the point. Her whole look screamed “fake” throughout most of the picture. It was even more distracting than all the hot chicks parading around in their underwear.

The chicks parading around in their underwear was actually a plus, mind you. But none of this makes me thing “X-Men: First Class was awesome” or “X-Men: First Class sucked.” So which is it? Click on the jump if you wanna find out.

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  1. That’s what always happens. ↩