Review: Resident Evil: Extinction

You’re probably wondering what Resident Evil: Extinction is like. Well, do you remember those good ol’ Mad Max movies from the eighties? Not to mention the smell of that pig crap they used to make gasoline? Good. Now try real hard to imagine Mel Gibson as a boobless Ukrainian chick. Note that this can most easily be done while watching Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. (So beware!) Got it? Alright. Now imagine that Miss Mad Max is pretty much built from nothing but teeth, hair, and gristle (like your standard Milla Jovovich or Ali Larter type). Then toss her into the world of Day of the Dead (also from the eighties) and give her Jedi powers and you’re all set. You are now channeling Resident Evil: Extinction! Congratulations. What’s that, you say? This movie doesn’t suck as bad as Resident Evil: Apocalypse, but it isn’t as entertaining as the first Resident Evil movie either? Well, now you’re just channeling my opinion of this moderately substandard film. Get out of my miiiiiind!

I have to say that I actually liked the first Resident Evil movie. It moved along quickly, there was a lot of tension as the characters tried to remember who they were really were, and it had an attractive Hispanic chick who kicked total a*s. Beat that, my ever sinewy Milla Jovovich! If you can.

Alice’s butt is just as flat as her rack! Shame, really. ::Sigh::

Not that it isn’t nice to see shapeless women finding work in such a visual medium, mind you. I just find the whole anemic, starving model look rather depressing. Eat a sandwich or something, ladies!

Anyway, it seems that Alice’s (Jovovich) blood is the cure to the zombie plague that has been ravaging the Earth. So evil dudes from the Umbrella Corporation want to use her to cure everybody. (Why are they the bad guys again?) They’ve been trying to clone her so they can create the cure without the real Alice, but apparently none of the clones have been up to snuff. Dr. Isaacs (better known as “the creepy guy”) has been putting them through their paces by forcing them to escape from a partial reproduction (?) of the same facilities we already saw her escape in the first movie. When you watch it, don’t be alarmed and assume that you rented the first Resident Evil by mistake – though you’d be far better off. So far, none of them have managed to get through the creepy guy’s test, and somehow – perhaps through the dark side of the force – Dr. Isaacs knows that they aren’t good enough to provide a successful cure. What this test has to do with the cure is never made clear. I think he just got off on it for some reason. Maybe he hates chicks with boobs? (Blasphemer!!!!) The Umbrella Corporation finally catches up to the real Alice once she joins forces with What’s-His-Name from The Mummy, who also has experience fighting the undead. But will that be enough when Dr. Isaacs dumps a metal box in her path filled with hungry zombies? (I don’t really understand that part either) You bet it will!

Here, we see my subconscious trying to process Alice’s boy-like figure in a horrifying dream sequence that haunts me night after joyless night.

You didn’t forget that she became some sort of uber-soldier in Resident Evil: Apocalypse, did you? Did you?? Well, now she even has Jedi-like mind powers (why, movie? JUST TELL ME WHY!) and can move stuff with her mind. So she kills all the dead guys and then zeroes in on Dr. Isaacs, who – to his credit – actually chose to put himself in harm’s way for no apparent reason by leading the operation personally. Isaacs gets bitten in the fight and infected with zombie cooties. He soon pumps himself full of drugs that don’t appear to help him much. He mutates … for some reason … into something out of that other movie, Species, but way less attractive. Hey, she may be skinny, but at least Natasha Henstridge has boobs!

Having thus proved himself to be very strong with the dark side, Isaacs kills everybody in his base and waits for Alice to show up for their inevitable showdown. In this corner, weighing 300lbs with weird smelling tentacles and Sith Lord powers, is – Dr. Isaacs! Boooooo! In the other corner, weighing in at 40lbs and possessing inexplicable Jedi powers is – Alice! Yeaaaah!

SPOILER ALERT!

Even the movie’s promotional material mocks me by depicting Milla Jovovich as totally devoid of boobs and shape in this sad, sad painting.

So who wins? Well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise ending, but Alice saves the day. But it’s not the real Alice who defeats Isaacs. It’s one of her clones who uses the base’s own security systems against him. Together, the two Alice’s begin raising an army of clones to storm the other Umbrella Corporation bases while also filling the world with a race of sinewy, shapeless Ukrainian chicks. Alas, they also have no boobs. If this really is the future, then it’s one that spins me off into a Hell beyond my wildest imaginings.

Curse you Milla Jovovich and your bizarro 12-year-old-Chinese-boy-body! Why are you so shapeless? JUST TELL ME WHY!!

You can see the Rotten Tomatoes rating for Resident Evil: Extinction here. Metacritic’s rating is here.