Why, some may ask, am I poking fun at sad little Star Trek: Enterprise now? Can’t I just let it die in peace? Well no, as a matter of fact, I can’t! I’m sorry, but it was on for four God-awful years and I can count the number of watchable episodes on one hand! I kept waiting and hoping, but nothing! So I’ve got demons to expel. Besides, I can easily poke fun at anything Star Trek and I’m determined to do just that.
Guys, don’t take my dreams away. Some days, they’re all I have. ::Sniff::
Now let’s talk brass tacks. Why did Star Trek: Enterprise suck so bad? The answer is simple: the characters were awful. They were as bland as your mom’s unsweetened vanilla yogurt. Or your dad’s idea of porn (it’s called Baywatch, not Fuckwatch, Dad!). Yes, it was that bland. Note: that’s on the Star Trek scale of bland!
“But Star Trek is awesome!” some of you will say. “You must be jealous, Geek!”
Sure I am. Feel better? Good. Where was I? Oh, that’s right. Still tearing your favorite franchise a new one! Let the exorcism begin.
Every iteration of Star Trek, from Enterprise to TOS, has a stable of familiar characters. Sometimes they overlap, so you may see small differences as I go from one series to the next in future articles1. For now, let’s examine the characters of Star Trek: Enterprise one by one.
Guys, you know it’s really the Captain of every Star Trek series who sets the tone and makes us give a crap, right? Without a convincing worried look, without that special inflection of voice when the Captain shouts, “Raise shields!” we just sort of yawn at the whole thing. If the Captain isn’t cutting it, then the whole show goes right in the can. Somehow, I always felt like Archer was holding back from being the Captain we needed him to be.
Some early episodes implied some sexual tension between Archer and the show’s hottie, T’Pol. Kirk would have chucked her onto a transporter pad and taught her his version of the Vulcan salute, but not this guy. He just respected her too much for that. Bastard.
Later, when she started bouncing on Trip like a basketball, Archer didn’t even ask if he could watch. Yet Trip’s more bland than Archer! She was clearly doing it to make Archer jealous.
Maybe he was really into the dog instead? I bet if T’Pol had a wet nose, he’d…
Man, I need a drink.
Charles Tucker the Third, better known as Trip, was the crew’s redneck/engineer. I guess they thought making him a Southerner would be more original than making him Scottish. Or Irish. Or Black. Instead, what they got was something completely unexpected: the blandest character in all of Star Trek history. Only Travis Mayweather could seriously challenge his level of boring. And half of you don’t even remember who Travis was!
Trip was so bland, he made Chakotay look interesting by comparison. And they used the same plot device to fix the problem for both men: they threw a girl at him and made him kiss her. How the hell is he banging T’Pol while I’m stuck fantasizing about the Charmed sisters seven days a week in my brain? Life isn’t fair.
I tried to console myself by remembering that Trip’s Warp Engine was easily the smallest of all the Star Trek engineers. But it isn’t working.
Dammit, Trip. I’m glad your home state got destroyed!
I’m sorry, but who the hell does T’Pol when they have Amanda Cole hurling herself at them? Even the alternate timeline Phlox knew she was way more bangable, and he was half weirdo. I think Trip must be into coat hangers or something. How else do you explain it? I just don’t get some people.
Remember when I said that Trip was the most boring character on Star Trek: Enterprise? Well, I lied. Travis, or “Token” as I call him, was the most boring. He doesn’t even get a category here because I don’t have one for him. He’s just a name and a smile.
How the hell do you have one black guy in the entire series and reduce him to the most boring character in all of TV history? They could have at least given him some offensive black-guy stereotypes. Then we’d all be like, “Remember that one episode when he called Archer a jive turkey?” And we’d just laugh and laugh… Because I’m white, you see.
Screw it. I’m so moving on now.
The Doctor is as iconic a role in Star Trek as any. For some reason, Enterprise decided to combine the Doctor and the Weirdo (examples of Star Trek Weirdos include Neelix and Rom) into the same terrifying individual. His name was Dr. Phlox. ::Shudder::
Like many Star Trek aliens, Phlox’s people seem to have suffered from a skin rash that has no name in the English language. He was the only crew member, besides Trip, to be offered the chance to bang T’Pol. He said no, not because she’s a frigging Shemp Howard or anything (that would have been my only reason) but because of some sad, made for TV moral principle that wouldn’t stop any dude between the ages of six and a thousand.
The thing about Phlox is that forcing him to play two roles (the Doctor and the Weirdo) diluted his character. He was more like an alternative health guru than the ship’s Doctor. McCoy would surely give Kirk a shot for his Orion crabs, while Phlox would have stuck leaches to his thing instead. This would have rendered it unusable for days, leading Kirk into a suicide pact with Chekov. Who the hell does that? Even worse, he wasn’t nearly Weirdo enough to make us laugh (like Rom) or want him dead (like Neelix). I barely want to punch him in the face right now. You know what I mean? Of course you do. Everybody wants Neelix dead. Dead. DEAD!!!
The sexual customs of his species, the Denobulan’s, are everybody’s teenage fantasy2. That almost makes him cool. If only he wasn’t so damn bland like everybody else on this horrible, horrible TV show. Sure, part of me wanted to bang one of his wives from that “Trip almost got laid” episode of Enterprise, but the other part of me was afraid of her suppurating facial warts. Note to Star Trek writers: why are you deliberately confusing my dick???
Oh, how I hate you, Star Trek: Enterprise. I’m glad you’re gone. If only you could be forgotten as easily so my scars could heal.
Hoshi Sato was the Asian chick on their crew. She had magical language powers that I will never understand. And she had no business being out in space. She got space sick and was afraid of everything. I just wanted to stick her in a locker with a cell phone so I could call her whenever I needed to ask, “Where’s the john?” in Nausicaan.
The weird thing is that Hoshi was the only regular character that I believed was real on any level. She seemed almost life-like. Enterprise, that’s saying something.
The Bad Ass
And Enterprise gave us Malcolm Reed.
Sorry, I nodded off for a sec. Who were we talking about again?
What can I say about Reed? Well, he was British. And almost as boring as his bromance partner, Trip. He was very close to Chakotay’s boringness on the old boredometer, in fact. Put him and his pal Trip together, and you’ve basically got Sulu and Chekov. Just blander, like everything else on Enterprise.
Seriously, is there anyone out there who doesn’t think that any of the other Star Trek bad asses could totally kick his ass? Maybe even Doctor Bashir. Hell, even Gilligan could beat up Doctor Bashir! And Gilligan’s balls haven’t even dropped yet.
Enterprise’s hottie was, without question, the Vulcan first officer T’Pol. I’m sure she was the cause of many nerd-boners from the day the show first hit the airwaves. Guess what guys – you can make your own T’Pol right at home! All you need are the following ingredients:
Lips = 2
Boobs = 2
Kim Jong Il haircut = 1
An eleven year old Chinese boy (preferably with a vagina) = 1
Now just bolt them all together and BLAM! You too can have your very own T’Pol to bang. Hurray! Just make sure you don’t cut yourself on a hip bone or a protruding vertebrae in her spine. It all depends on what position you … oh, just never mind.
Guys, come on. She’s nothing but tits and ears! And what’s up with the Mo haircut? I’m sure someone is pointing at her boobs and clapping by way of defense. But her boobs aren’t even that big. They just look like they are because the rest of her body is tiny and made of gristle and bone. Seven of Nine would beat the shit out of her in a Jell-O wrestling contest. I know because I’ve run the simulations over and over in my mind.
I don’t spend much time fantasizing about chicks wrestling in Jell-O. Because I prefer baby oil. But when I do, I have to give T’Pol better everything and lose her Beatles’ haircut just to keep my excitement level up … I mean high. I said high! Otherwise, it’s better for me to just go back to my old standby: Seven versus Leeta in a lap dance competition at Quarks. (I’m the judge.) The Seven versus T’Pol thing is just for when I need a change of pace.
Before you say anything, I grant that the “Mirror, Mirror” episodes of Enterprise were pretty much T’Pol at her best. Actually, the evil version of all TV chicks is usually them at their best, but here, the evil version was a major improvement. She not only had the midriff thing going on, she finally lost the Asian dictator haircut. I’m sorry, but a sex fantasy featuring Kim Jong Il in a catsuit isn’t exactly my idea of a party. If I went for that, my dick would just throw up its hands and leave my balls in the lurch.
Ultimately, these…and the stupid stories…are why Star Trek: Enterprise sucked.