What Is Sparlock, The New Ex-Witness Meme?

Sparlock the Warrior Wizard is the Watchtower Society’s newest unintended act of shameful hilarity, one that ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses across the net have latched onto and made their own. It is also the product of an organization run by a bunch of clueless old guys who are probably still complaining about the kids with their Walkmans and those new-fangled airplanes and such. For ex-Witnesses who feel that the Society exists in a Twilight Zone bubble of creepiness, Sparlock could surely serve as our exhibit A.

Sparlock is awesome, even if the video that spread the name is not. If you haven’t seen it yet, the video appears below.

UPDATE: “The man” has dropped the hammer on this video, crushing poor little Sparlock like so many of Caleb’s hopes and dreams. Another version has appeared, and another, and still another, but they will surely go away before many of you can see it. You can get more in the way of details on the actual video at Watchtower’s New “Toy Story” – What Parents Need To Know thanks to Cedars. Check out the rest of his blog while you’re there.

That was part 2. The first part is also on YouTube, and is just as depressing. Not to mention manipulative. But I digress. Remember kids, the Society actually put this video out there for Jehovah’s Witnesses–and all their critics–to see. They spent real money on this turd, went through some sort of editorial process to write it, tweak it, and bring it to life, then produced thousands of DVDs and spread them far and wide, all without realizing just how bizarre and creepifying it would be for those of us who do not exist within their stifling bubble of disjointed magazine covers and old guys in black suits.

With all that going for him, how can you not love Sparlock? Hell, I want one for Christmas, and it isn’t even October yet!

Like the Smurfs from yesteryear, Sparlock has come to represent just how disconnected the Society’s leaders are from reality. Not to mention the fear mongering, the guilt-tripping, and the misery that so many of us remember from “the good old days” in the orgs unquestionable truth.

My Sparlock adventure on FaceBookGuys, seriously, how does playing with a plastic children’s toy, which possesses no magical demon powers and has nothing to do with any pagan religion whatsoever, make Jehovah sad? The smartest answer to such a question is crickets chirping, because any attempt to explain it would surely add to the sad hilarity of it all. Next, Caleb’s parents will accuse him of making Jehovah cry every time it rains. Yes, learning that you’re “in the truth” is surely good news…only not.

Some of us want to see Sparlock become our version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a symbol taken up by nonbelievers some years before. And by “some of us” I’m including me. I just started college yesterday, and when I came home, my Facebook pals were all abuzz about Sparlock. Being a wise-ass with time on his hands, I joined in, making stupid comments left and right. Finally, it culminated in the post that I captured to the left, wherein others joined in on the fun.

Thanks to Sparlock, a bunch of ex-Witnesses had more fun in an hour than many of us ever had in all our years at any Kingdom Hall. For that alone, Sparlock deserves a place in ex-Witness culture.

I assure you that this will not be the end of Sparlock. Not for me, at least. I was seriously tempted to buy a domain name for him, though there’s a concrete company called Sparlock (bet their hit rates are suddenly on the rise). Alas, I wouldn’t do enough with it to take it away from a more prolific blogger. But someone could. They could even sell Sparlock paraphernalia at no cost to themselves.

Let me know when you get your site up and running, whoever you are. You’ll get a link from Atheist Geek News. I guarantee it.

Now go get a beer, then reread this article and take a swig every time you read the name “Sparlock.” Or every time he’s mentioned on JWD. See? Now you’re playing with Sparlock. And he’s being a very bad influence on you. All thanks to the Watchtower Society.

Sparlock says, “You’re welcome.”

Cheers.

UPDATE: For those still claiming the Sparlock video is fake, this video is on the same DVD and it mentions the name of the DVD. The man in the video is named Anthony Morris III, and he’s a member of the governing body of Jehovah’s Witnesses. We apostates and atheists must have Sparlock powers to fake that, guys! Big thanks for the tweet, Penn Jillette!

UPDATE: Wanna write a short story about Sparlock and get it published? Sparlock has answered your prayers!

UPDATE: A Sparlock website has been found! http://www.sparlock.info/

Could Sparlock really appear on The Simpsons?? (I doubt it, but it’s a funny post all the same.)

UPDATE: Here’s another video, submitted by a visitor to this site.

And more…

This next one isn’t specific to Jehovah’s Witnesses, but it’s relevant. It not only reveals how silly this sort of paranoia is, it’s a reminder that the Watchtower Society isn’t the only organized religion that over-thinks things and stupidly screws up the lives of little kids out of fear.

About The Atheist Geek

The Atheist Geek is a former Jehovah's Witness turned secular humanist. He's a lifelong sci-fi geek and a writer wannabe.
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20 Responses to What Is Sparlock, The New Ex-Witness Meme?

  1. The WatchTower Corporation filed claims and had the video’s taken down. I made this video with parts of the animated feature criticizing it. It ‘should’ be protected under the fair use act. Anyways, since the link above is no longer good I thought I would share this:

  2. If others want to post the videos to other sites, or make critiques like the one Phinephas posted, I will keep putting links here to them all. Just keep me updated.

    Maybe some big web site will take a look at this and find it worthy of spreading around.

  3. Ruben, I’m already a member of that group. Maybe others will see the link and join, too.

  4. Ty says:

    I totally want a Sparlock. But the arcane failure penalties for wearing armor make a fighter wizard problematic.

  5. Someone’s been playing Diablo 3 again, haven’t they? :P

  6. Ethan says:

    I so hope Sparlock gets on the Simpsons. That would make this ex-jw a VERY happy man. :)

  7. Dan says:

    I also wrote a critique of that video here http://junkdrawerofthought.blogspot.com/2012/06/this-is-sparlock.html

    Thanks for posting this article.

    • Thanks Dan. I tried writing to PZ when I wrote the other atheist sites, but couldn’t find a contact button. Glad he caught it anyway. He called them out on their atheist articles in the AWAKE! a while back, too.

  8. Dan says:

    This story was just picked up by Pharyngula. It’s getting a lot of comments. http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2012/06/05/episode-cccxxxv-the-sparlock-thread/

  9. Amelia says:

    I had my youtube videos removed by order of the Watchtower after they got over 80,000 hits and and had over 600 comments. That was in 6 days. I wish I had copied the comments from JWs because they were outrageous claiming I had made the video myself to discredit jehovah’s witnesses and put them in a bad light. I wish I had that much talent and money! I took screenshots of the watchtower copyright notice and kept copies of the emails I received. I think it is good to keep a papertrail of these events regarding watchtower. If anyone doubts search my youtube channel as I have left them up and I dont think youtube has taken them down and wont until the date for me to appeal expires.

    • Thanks for that, Amelia. Again, far as I can tell, this is legit. To everyone else: if it wasn’t made by the WTS, why did they have it removed initially?

      Amelia, if you’d like to send me the file, I will post them to add to the legitimacy of the video.

  10. William says:

    First time visit out here, h/t to Penn.

    All I can say is wow! Stunningly wow!

    Although there are many many examples of irrational behavior due to mysticism (religion being the most prevalent form), the video (part 2 was what I viewed) is again a POWERFUL example to illustrate vividly the child abuse that goes on under the pathetic guise of religion- particularly Christianity, and in this particular case JW’s.

    Folks, there are real children out there all over America, and around the world, being indoctrinated into this bullshit without even a second thought. No, worse, with the active thought that what they are doing to their children is moral – that it is good for them! It is profoundly child abuse, make no mistake about it. For many it takes years (if ever) to recover and join the real world as living, thinking, rational beings.

    We all admire Mark Twain as one of Americas most treasured authors, so I will leave you with this quote of his:

    “Strange…a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness multiplied seventy times seven and invented Hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man’s acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!”

    • William, you will find lots of stuff about this online if you do a search for Sparlock. There’s a concrete company by that name, but everything else is pretty much about this. It spread faster than the DVD! Many JWs haven’t even seen it yet, so many of them are claiming it’s a fraud. Far as I can tell, everything says it’s legit though.

      Thanks for posting and for visiting the site.

  11. Sydney says:

    WOW! Just WOW!! Damn..I was a Witness til they threw me out when I was 20 the big Disfellowshipment. THANK GOD..LOL My family is still in and some of them still don’t speak to me but whatever..This right here is a thousand times Wrong.

  12. Pingback: Ten Things You Didn’t Know about Jehovah’s Witnesses. | Michigan Skeptics Association

  13. Elyse says:

    To anyone who thinks this video is fake… I saw the dvd box at my very Jehovah’s Witness parents home quite awhile ago. It wasn’t until I heard the name Sparlock and saw this article that I realized exactly what it was. Wow. I think I will be slipping it into my bag next time I am there so I can pop it into the ol’ dvd player when I am feeling down.

  14. Ana with a red A says:

    This video is very real. I have the copy in my home. I am a recently open Atheist living with my parents in a Jahovah’s Witness house hold. Tensions have been high since I came out of the atheist closet to them three days ago. I have seen the whole video and didn’t really have a problem with it. Yes it’s a contradiction to say that magic is bad when many biblical prophets preformed miricals in the name of Jahovah, but what we believe and teach our children should be our own business. To a witness it’s immoral to teach our children to NOT believe in a God at all. We as people need to find our common ground and stand on it. Without reaching over each others lines just to smack each other in the face. I don’t agree with my parents and I don’t agree with the way they treat me for being atheist, but I understand how they feel and I allow them the right to feel it. Without argument or bitterness, I simply accept what they believe in with or without their acceptance of me. I’m happy with myself and my parents and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

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