Sparlock the Warrior Wizard is the Watchtower Society’s newest unintended act of shameful hilarity, one that ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses across the net have latched onto and made their own. It is also the product of an organization run by a bunch of clueless old guys who are probably still complaining about the kids with their Walkmans and those new-fangled airplanes and such. For ex-Witnesses who feel that the Society exists in a Twilight Zone bubble of creepiness, Sparlock could surely serve as our exhibit A.
Sparlock is awesome, even if the video that spread the name is not. If you haven’t seen it yet, the video appears below.
UPDATE: “The man” has dropped the hammer on this video, crushing poor little Sparlock like so many of Caleb’s hopes and dreams. Another version has appeared, and another, and still another, but they will surely go away before many of you can see it. You can get more in the way of details on the actual video at Watchtower’s New “Toy Story” – What Parents Need To Know thanks to Cedars. Check out the rest of his blog while you’re there.
That was part 2. The first part is also on YouTube, and is just as depressing. Not to mention manipulative. But I digress. Remember kids, the Society actually put this video out there for Jehovah’s Witnesses–and all their critics–to see. They spent real money on this turd, went through some sort of editorial process to write it, tweak it, and bring it to life, then produced thousands of DVDs and spread them far and wide, all without realizing just how bizarre and creepifying it would be for those of us who do not exist within their stifling bubble of disjointed magazine covers and old guys in black suits.
With all that going for him, how can you not love Sparlock? Hell, I want one for Christmas, and it isn’t even October yet!
Like the Smurfs from yesteryear, Sparlock has come to represent just how disconnected the Society’s leaders are from reality. Not to mention the fear mongering, the guilt-tripping, and the misery that so many of us remember from “the good old days” in the orgs unquestionable truth.
Guys, seriously, how does playing with a plastic children’s toy, which possesses no magical demon powers and has nothing to do with any pagan religion whatsoever, make Jehovah sad? The smartest answer to such a question is crickets chirping, because any attempt to explain it would surely add to the sad hilarity of it all. Next, Caleb’s parents will accuse him of making Jehovah cry every time it rains. Yes, learning that you’re “in the truth” is surely good news…only not.
Some of us want to see Sparlock become our version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a symbol taken up by nonbelievers some years before. And by “some of us” I’m including me. I just started college yesterday, and when I came home, my Facebook pals were all abuzz about Sparlock. Being a wise-ass with time on his hands, I joined in, making stupid comments left and right. Finally, it culminated in the post that I captured to the left, wherein others joined in on the fun.
Thanks to Sparlock, a bunch of ex-Witnesses had more fun in an hour than many of us ever had in all our years at any Kingdom Hall. For that alone, Sparlock deserves a place in ex-Witness culture.
I assure you that this will not be the end of Sparlock. Not for me, at least. I was seriously tempted to buy a domain name for him, though there’s a concrete company called Sparlock (bet their hit rates are suddenly on the rise). Alas, I wouldn’t do enough with it to take it away from a more prolific blogger. But someone could. They could even sell Sparlock paraphernalia at no cost to themselves.
Let me know when you get your site up and running, whoever you are. You’ll get a link from Atheist Geek News. I guarantee it.
Now go get a beer, then reread this article and take a swig every time you read the name “Sparlock.” Or every time he’s mentioned on JWD. See? Now you’re playing with Sparlock. And he’s being a very bad influence on you. All thanks to the Watchtower Society.
Sparlock says, “You’re welcome.”
UPDATE: For those still claiming the Sparlock video is fake, this video is on the same DVD and it mentions the name of the DVD. The man in the video is named Anthony Morris III, and he’s a member of the governing body of Jehovah’s Witnesses. We apostates and atheists must have Sparlock powers to fake that, guys! Big thanks for the tweet, Penn Jillette!
UPDATE: Wanna write a short story about Sparlock and get it published? Sparlock has answered your prayers!
UPDATE: A Sparlock website has been found! http://www.sparlock.info/
Could Sparlock really appear on The Simpsons?? (I doubt it, but it’s a funny post all the same.)
UPDATE: Here’s another video, submitted by a visitor to this site.
This next one isn’t specific to Jehovah’s Witnesses, but it’s relevant. It not only reveals how silly this sort of paranoia is, it’s a reminder that the Watchtower Society isn’t the only organized religion that over-thinks things and stupidly screws up the lives of little kids out of fear.