I must have seen the original Fright Night about a hundred times. So when I saw the promos for the new Fright Night, I had high expectations. To me, the original movie had reinvigorated the whole vampire genre. It took the basic story format I had seen in so many other B-movies and updated it for modern times. I doubt that Fright Night was the first movie to do this, but it was the first one that really left a mark on my young brain.
Roddy McDowall made an especially powerful impression as the cowardly, washed up actor who had to man up to help Charlie save the girl. You know, the average looking one that would later appear in Married … with Children. So when I learned that Peter Vincent would be played by Doctor Who … er, I mean David Tennant … I thought we might have a real winner here. Just in time, too. Twilight has infected all our most recent vampires with the gay. I have nothing against gay people or the Flintstone’s theme song, I just don’t like my vampires with too much glittery gayness on’em. Sorry.
So, did the new Fright Night win? Or did it suck like your mother-in-law’s addiction to Twilight and soon-to-be-dead soap operas?
I read the reviews for X-Men: First Class before deciding to see it. They’ve been pretty solid up til now … but that’s how it goes when a movie is new. Still, I told myself, James McAvoy is a good actor and I really like the way January Jones’s boobies look in that bra. So, shit yeah, I’m in. On the negative side, the idea of Kevin Bacon playing Sabastian Shaw is pretty damn funny. I could see him as Mastermind or somebody like that, but Shaw is basically the ultimate evil guy in this one. For now, just try to picture this: Kevin Bacon is evil and he wants to rule the world.
You know you laughed. Can’t be helped.
I had other reasons for concern over the X-Men prequel even as my wife and I made our way to the theater. First, prequels usually suck. I’m looking at you, Star Wars. Second, Mystique looked pretty damn ridiculous in this movie. Sadly, I think the actress portraying her should have spent another hour in the makeup chair. I’d still beg her for sex and then spend the night at a titty bar when she said no1, but that’s beside the point. Her whole look screamed “fake” throughout most of the picture. It was even more distracting than all the hot chicks parading around in their underwear.
The chicks parading around in their underwear was actually a plus, mind you. But none of this makes me thing “X-Men: First Class was awesome” or “X-Men: First Class sucked.” So which is it? Click on the jump if you wanna find out.
I still remember seeing the original Karate Kid at the old drive-in theater with my parents. I was eleven years old and it was a great movie. Little did I know that all the sequels would blow or that, decades later, I would begin seeing advertisements for a remake of the Karate Kid.Shudder.
My reaction to this was probably the same as yours: outright denial. As I wept in my bed that same evening, I dared ignite a single spark of hope. Maybe the new Karate Kid won’t be that bad, I told myself.
Then I went back to thinking about porn like a real man.
My wife and I recently saw the Karate Kid remake on one of those movie channels the kids used to love so much before the Twitter and the iPod. Were my hopes for this movie as pointless as my fantasy about a four-way with the Charmed1 sisters? Or can you safely run your copy of the original Karate Kid through a shredder?
Actually, I’d throw in Prue and make it a five way. She’s the dead one, in case you didn’t know. Hey, as long as Prue shuts her mouth, she’s more than welcome to my fantasy party! Oh, you gave me that look because you thought she’d still be dead when I was banging her? Weirdo. ↩
After a burst of great movies likeThe Lion King and Aladdin, Disney’s cartoon movies have gotten seriously weak of late. So I tried not to groan too loudly when my wife wanted to see Tangled, which is a Disneyfication of “Rapunzel.” Luckily for me, her mother gifted her with extreme – almost pathological – cheapness. This isn’t always a plus, but it saved me from seeing Tangled in the movie theater.
I wasn’t exactly dancing with joy at the prospect of seeing Disney’s Tangled. I still wanted to like the movie, but it would have to win me over. Oh, and I could have cared less about the changes they made versus the original “Rapunzel” story. I just wanted a good movie. So I did my best to give Tangled a chance.
Was I disappointed? Did my wife squeal with glee like a teenage girl when we saw it? Stay tuned to find out.