No, it turns out that The Dark Knight Rises is not a porno featuring Anne Hathaway in a fetish costume. Dammit. But it is the latest, and probably last, installment in a series of Batman movies that sucked way less than the ones we got back in the nineties. Oh, and to anyone who thinks Jack Nicholson was a better Joker than Heath Ledger, please stop talking to me. My faith in humanity has been challenged enough without that crap on my mind. Seriously, don’t make me destroy you.
So was the The Dark Knight Rises any good? What’s up with that Bane guy? Did Jim Carrey appear as the Riddler and ruin the whole film with a closeup of his batch? And most importantly, did Anne Hathaway get nude? (Spoiler alert: Disappointed!!!!)
Why, some may ask, am I poking fun at sad little Star Trek: Enterprise now? Can’t I just let it die in peace? Well no, as a matter of fact, I can’t! I’m sorry, but it was on for four God-awful years and I can count the number of watchable episodes on one hand! I kept waiting and hoping, but nothing! So I’ve got demons to expel. Besides, I can easily poke fun at anything Star Trek and I’m determined to do just that.
Guys, don’t take my dreams away. Some days, they’re all I have. ::Sniff::
Now let’s talk brass tacks. Why did Star Trek: Enterprise suck so bad? The answer is simple: the characters were awful. They were as bland as your mom’s unsweetened vanilla yogurt. Or your dad’s idea of porn (it’s called Baywatch, not Fuckwatch, Dad!). Yes, it was that bland. Note: that’s on the Star Trek scale of bland!
“But Star Trek is awesome!” some of you will say. “You must be jealous, Geek!”
Sure I am. Feel better? Good. Where was I? Oh, that’s right. Still tearing your favorite franchise a new one! Let the exorcism begin.
My wife and I saw The Hunger Games recently. I had just read the novel and wanted a movie to poke fun at because I hadn’t done a mean-spirited review in a while. (Dammit all to hell and stuff.) So, like a serial killer in need of a fix, I eagerly stalked The Hunger Gameswith a club in my hand and a twinkle in my eye. Hey, I just wanted to make someone cry. Is that so wrong?
I must have seen the original Fright Night about a hundred times. So when I saw the promos for the new Fright Night, I had high expectations. To me, the original movie had reinvigorated the whole vampire genre. It took the basic story format I had seen in so many other B-movies and updated it for modern times. I doubt that Fright Night was the first movie to do this, but it was the first one that really left a mark on my young brain.
Roddy McDowall made an especially powerful impression as the cowardly, washed up actor who had to man up to help Charlie save the girl. You know, the average looking one that would later appear in Married … with Children. So when I learned that Peter Vincent would be played by Doctor Who … er, I mean David Tennant … I thought we might have a real winner here. Just in time, too. Twilight has infected all our most recent vampires with the gay. I have nothing against gay people or the Flintstone’s theme song, I just don’t like my vampires with too much glittery gayness on’em. Sorry.
So, did the new Fright Night win? Or did it suck like your mother-in-law’s addiction to Twilight and soon-to-be-dead soap operas?