(Warning: Cruel And Inane Humor To Follow) The 5 Kinds Of Elder Who Drove You Out Of The Kingdom Hall

We ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are, of course, pure evil.1 Just ask one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They’ll tell ya.2 Yeah, we lurk the Earth, hiding under their beds, whispering dark thoughts, like, “You don’t need to go out in field service today.” Or, “Maybe the Governing Body really is full of shit.” Or even, “Maybe you should buy that new P. Diddy album. Nobody’ll know, right?”3 Darn us all. You’d think we’d have jobs to go to or lives to get on with.4 Maybe the horns growing out of our heads force us on the Welfare, so we have all kinds of free time.5 Still, why are we so mean?6 I mean, those poor Witnesses never pick on us or demonize us in any way. Right?7 Or course not. Because that would be hypocritically effed up.8 Well, people at The World’s Totally Jealous of How Awesome Jehovah’s Witnesses Are, Inc., have finally come up with a solution.9 And it’s a shocker.10

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  1. Yep. It’s true.
  2. Don’t take it personally. They’re simply worried about you, as a person.
  3. Or even, “Maybe I’ll finally watch an episode of Mork and Mindy, despite the fact they’re living together without being married throughout most of the series.”
  4. Wait. We don’t?!?
  5. I spend mine writing shit like this. When I’m not surfing the web for porn, that is.
  6. Hey, those horns hurt. We gotta take it out on somebody.
  7. Does a bear wipe its ass with a rabbit when it craps in the woods?
  8. There. That makes up for all the other naughty words you’ll be encountering in this post.
  9. Two words: road trip!
  10. What generation change? Silly apostate. New light is for kids.

Billy, The Creepy-Ass Spider That Lives Under My Desk

I realize this isn’t my usual AGN fodder of choice, but between my computer problems, migraines, and nitpicking through my own private little essay about the Watchtower Society, I didn’t do much here online last month. So tough nipples. Here we go.

Billy the spider
Imagine this little guy with a blue
tie and a pack of smokes, and
you’ve got Billy the creepy-ass
spider in your head.

I was at work about a month ago (I try to show up at least twice a week so they’ll keep me around) and started cleaning up around my desk. I was sweeping when I noticed a big-ass spider just sitting there by a bug trap. He had one leg leaning against the entrance, waiting for something to come out so he could chow down. (I don’t think Billy understands how bug traps work.) He was taking a drag off a cigarette with another leg when he noticed me. “Sup,” he said, then went back to work as a tiny plume of blue smoke wafted to the top of my desk. Well, at least now I knew where that damn smell was coming from.

Anyway, I decided to leave Billy alone for a while. That’s his name, by the way. Don’t question how I know such things. Anyhow, I waited an hour and Billy was still there. I was afraid to look, but I could hear him puffing away. “Dammit, Billy!” I thought. “I’ve got work to do. Can’t you hang out by another bug trap?”

Don’t get me wrong. I could see that Billy had it tough. He had one leg missing and was probably an Ex-Jehovah’s Witness or something. I could tell because he was still wearing a tie and he had a flaming ball of old brochures he was using to keep his cigarettes lit. He had placed it behind the trap, presumably to drive something out so he could catch it in his mouth. Damn clever, I have to say. Poor little fella. His choosing my desk to hide under kinda made me feel … well … sorta special. I don’t have many friends, ya know.

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