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(Warning: Cruel And Inane Humor To Follow) The 5 Kinds Of Elder Who Drove You Out Of The Kingdom Hall

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We ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are, of course, pure evil.1 Just ask one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They’ll tell ya.2 Yeah, we lurk the Earth, hiding under their beds, whispering dark thoughts, like, “You don’t need to go out in field service today.” Or, “Maybe the Governing Body really is full of shit.” Or even, “Maybe you should buy that new P. Diddy album. Nobody’ll know, right?”3 Darn us all. You’d think we’d have jobs to go to or lives to get on with.4 Maybe the horns growing out of our heads force us on the Welfare, so we have all kinds of free time.5 Still, why are we so mean?6 I mean, those poor Witnesses never pick on us or demonize us in any way. Right?7 Or course not. Because that would be hypocritically effed up.8 Well, people at The World’s Totally Jealous of How Awesome Jehovah’s Witnesses Are, Inc., have finally come up with a solution.9 And it’s a shocker.10

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  1. Yep. It’s true. ↩
  2. Don’t take it personally. They’re simply worried about you, as a person. ↩
  3. Or even, “Maybe I’ll finally watch an episode of Mork and Mindy, despite the fact they’re living together without being married throughout most of the series.” ↩
  4. Wait. We don’t?!? ↩
  5. I spend mine writing shit like this. When I’m not surfing the web for porn, that is. ↩
  6. Hey, those horns hurt. We gotta take it out on somebody. ↩
  7. Does a bear wipe its ass with a rabbit when it craps in the woods? ↩
  8. There. That makes up for all the other naughty words you’ll be encountering in this post. ↩
  9. Two words: road trip! ↩
  10. What generation change? Silly apostate. New light is for kids. ↩

Are Ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses Really Just a Bunch Of No Good Apostates? Here Are 5 Ways We Can Prove The Watchtower Society Wrong.

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By now, most ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses (or Exxers) have noticed the Watchtower Society’s talent for hyperbole. The Society often depicts “worldly people” as bad associates who choose to dwell in a Satanic world of robbery, lies, and murder. While Jehovah’s Witnesses are portrayed as good, steadfast, and honest to a fault, always struggling to save an unappreciative world from itself. Rarely does the Society show us the middle ground where both sides actually dwell. Many Jehovah’s Witnesses really do take this point of view seriously. They may even start to wonder about the sort of person who would leave the Watchtower Society’s perfect world for the one that’s just outside their Kingdom Halls. In my experience, their conclusions about Exxers aren’t very pretty. To many Jehovah’s Witnesses, we’re all just a bunch of miserable apostates out to ruin their chance for eternal life in a paradise Earth. Are the Witnesses right about us? Even more importantly, are we doing more to prove them right than prove them wrong?

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