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The End Is Nigh! Again. Thanks, Mayans!

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The Watchtower Society takes over your local news station. Only their predictions will be even less accurate than your old weatherman's. I guarantee it.

The Watchtower Society takes over your local news station. Only their predictions will be even less accurate than your old weatherman’s. I guarantee it.

Here’s a shocker: we’re all going to die. Again. Of course, we can be rest assured that it won’t be due to a global flood. The Watchtower Society says that Jehovah God won’t do that to us again. (Whew.) So it’ll probably just be due to rocks falling out of the sky or a fast acting – but deadly – strain of dandruff.

On that note, here are some links about how doomed we all are. Time to make with the fucking, kids. Grab somebody who’s doable and get busy.

End of the world – apocalypse live

Newtown, Mayan end-of-world rumors prompt Michigan officials to close 33 schools

Mayan apocalypse: Cheer up pal, it’s not the end of the world – the best ‘Doomsday’ virals

Weirdest Syncretism Ever: The Jedi/Mayan Apocalypse

Seriously, the world isn’t going to end like that.

It’ll be because the aliens are coming to get us. Or the dandruff thing.

Have a nice day.

WTF?! I’m Still Here!

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chihuahua tongueI’m betting you just woke up this morning and discovered you were still here. Like me, you thought, “Damn.” No more May 21st doomsday, huh? Thanks Harold Camping. At least I didn’t punch my boss in the sack yesterday. Not that he doesn’t need it, but that’s beside the point.

I’ve seen some pretty good doomsday gags suggested by other sites. My favorite is to take a bunch of sex dolls and fill them with helium, then let them fly over a field. Can’t you see it now? “Look at all those naked people going to heaven! Hey, that one’s got a raging hard-on!”

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Doomsday, May 21st–So Long Suckers!

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Third time’s a charm.
Right, Harold?

According to Harold Camping, the world will end on May 21st. Of course, Harold Camping’s argument is as irrefutable as any given by … uh … any totally random religious organization I might choose to mention. I’m sure cars are being overturned and cats are being set on fire in your front yard as you read this, so you might want to get a head start on hauling ass. Not that it matters. Cuz Jesus is gonna git ya.

Personally, I’m just hoping to get laid by someone with fully functioning lady parts by then. That almost never happens even on a good day. Dammit. So I’ll shower for the big event. You do whatever the hell you want.

Well, at least it wasn’t an elder who made the prediction. Maybe I can avoid the parade of in-laws waving signs about how right they were on my front step after all. That’s why I made sure to buy a home where the front step is so small. Only four of them can gather there at a time without falling off.

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This cement never hardens.
Until someone steps in it.

There are land mines too. That’s why I don’t mow my grass. I have a slip of paper from the state that actually says it’s OK. How sweet is that? Keeps the kids off, too. Mostly. I still have plenty of mines left.

I just had my gallbladder yanked out like a grape off a vine last weekend. Ow. Jesus, couldn’t this have waited until I was on a real vacation or something? I’m just now able to move around without the help of 4 nurses and an ice cream cone for motivation.1 Thanks a helluva lot, Jesus. All knowing and wise? More like all knowing and inconsiderate if you ask me. Guess everything revolves around him and his precious apocalypse. No wonder I’m an atheist. Yeah, I said it.

I suppose no one will be alive to read the end of this post. Too bad. Or will they?

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  1. A life size blow up doll of Alyssa Milano works too. Except my dick gets in the way of the ice cream. ↩