Review & Commentary: Stardust

The commercials for Stardust pretty much convinced me that the movie would totally suck. Naturally, my wife sat up and clapped when we saw the first commercial on TV, so I knew I was screwed. And not the good kind of screwed, either. These commercials made Stardust look boring, flat, stale … you know the adjectives I mean. So when we went to see the movie for real, the only questions on my mind went something like, “Is it really going to be that bad?” and “Will she hate it as much as I’m about to? I sure hope so.” After all, shots of Robert De Nero dancing around on the deck of a flying seaship and Michelle Pfeiffer going all spooky like Frodo from The Fellowship of the Ring isn’t my idea of a good time.

Then the show began and it was time to set all that aside. When I see a movie, I generally want to enjoy it even if I suspect the opposite will prove true. I’m glad I did. Because gasp! Stardust didn’t suck. Not at all.

I’ll admit that the movie has a lot of cutesy humor in it that chicks seem to go for. Note: no offense ladies, that’s just how a lot of guys will probably see it. This is actually very surprising for a movie based on a novel/graphic novel written by Neil Gaiman. (Never read either of them) It feels a lot like one of those old school fantasies, like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe … except this made a much better film.

Basically, there’s this town in England called Wall. It has a big wall in it that’s guarded by some old guy. Well, this one young guy sneaks past the old guy and through the wall, gets seriously laid, and sneaks back. Nine months later and the old guy brings him a basket with a baby crammed in it. They clearly don’t have STDs or condoms in the faerie lands.

So the unexpectant father raises the boy, who then falls in love with some shallow chick who thinks he’s a loser. Being shallow and a little tipsy, she sends him on a fools errand to find this falling star that dropped out of the sky while they were getting all boozed up. He’s a chump, so he actually falls for this line. Problem is that the star fell on the other side of the wall, so junior discovers a way to fly there all magic like.

He lands on top of Claire Danes. Turns out that she’s the falling star. That is to say, she’s literally a star that fell from the sky. Apparently stars are all chicks or something. Anyway, being a nice guy and a chump like I am, he tries to take her back with him so he can present her to the shallow, boozed up ugly chick back home instead of banging Claire Danes right there on the spot like a real man. Poor dope. Kinda sad, actually. It just sort of goes on from there.

Ultimately, this movie is about everyone wanting Claire Danes’s heart. Some literally (ewwwww!) and some figuratively. Oh, and De Niro plays a gay pirate for some reason. I’m not really clear about why.

Don’t be afraid, fellas. I know, it has “chick flick” written all over it. As the web site says, it’s pretty much a date movie … which is really just a watered down “chick flick” in case you didn’t know. But it’s a date movie sort of like Beauty and the Beast was a date movie. Yes, I kid you not – it’s actually entertaining. Really. Would I lie? I promise you won’t try to hang yourself before it’s over. Remember, the main difference between a huge chick flick and a date movie is that the men in the film aren’t completely evil and stupid all of the time. So that’s another plus, right?

I actually thought the review at Metacritic was a little low. The average review from critics was only 66 out of a hundred, which is weak but favorable. This is probably because the movie is easy to predict. Most romances are, and a lot of movie critics are guys who aren’t into romances per se. But the general review by users was 8.8 out of 10, which is very good and closer to what I would have given it.

So give Stardust a try. Hey fellas – maybe you’ll get laid or something. Hey, stranger things have happened. Even to me! And I’m sure the ladies will go for it.

-the Atheist Geek-