My Guilty Pleasure: The Babes Of “Charmed”

There were three geeky chick-power TV shows in the nineties: Xena, Buffy, and Charmed. Which was the best? Hell, you know it’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sorry Xena fans, I just couldn’t get into Xena’s whole killer Frisbee thing. Her war cry (“yee yee yee yee yee…”) just made me laugh the first few times I heard it. Then I wanted her to just stop already.

But somewhere between Xena and Buffy, there was good ol’ Charmed. While Buffy ruled with dramatic story telling and Xena was fine if you needed the oil changed in your Dodge Caravan, Charmed was the hair twirling, bubble gum popping stepchild of girl-power TV. The stories were two dimensional, but it had Alyssa Milano, and she was neat to stare at. Rose McGowan approaches her level of hotness, but only when her legs at 100% power, like in the beginning of Planet Terror. And then there’s Holly Marie Combs… That’s all I have to say about her.

Hey, I know what you’re thinking: any show that starred three hotties couldn’t be all bad. And you’re right. It wasn’t all bad. In fact, Charmed was frikking hilarious. It wasn’t as hilarious as Knight Rider, but as you know by now, that’s just a physical impossibility.

Truth is that the show’s producers had a secret: they made me enjoy hating Charmed, and since hate is my Prozac, I just kept coming back for more. Ah, the memories. So you should watch it on TNT just like me, where Charmed will live forever. You’ll love hating it too.

Not sold yet? Here are some more reasons to watch Charmed.

The Players

Prue

Let me be clear about something: all the pre-Rose McGowan episodes are dead to me. Before Rose, there was Shannen Doherty, who played Prue. That should tell you everything you need to know about Prue right there.

Don’t get me wrong, now. I’ve seen plenty of Prue episodes. They all sucked, but I’ve seen’em. Still, I was cheering and clapping when they killed her ass off. If you want a moment of pure joy in your life, all I can say is start watching Charmed from episode one. Otherwise, wait til you see Rose McGowan in the credits before you set your DVR to record.

If you decide to wait until Rose shows up as Paige, don’t worry–you haven’t missed anything. It’ll still be just as easy to follow as Sesame Street or anything on Fox News.

As a side note, I find it interesting that the sisters work by Klingon bird of prey rules. Once Prue croaked, all the other sisters moved up one step in rank. That turned Piper (who was previously the mild mannered middle sister) into the bitchy sister in charge, and left Phoebe (previously the youngest and hottest sister) to play peacemaker.

OK, so Prue’s dead and buried in the back yard someplace. What’s a Charmed producer to do? Find another sister!

Paige

Three things come to mind when I think of Paige Mathews: dumbness, preteen eye rolling, and lips. Still, she was slightly hotter than Prue and she mostly meant well. Sort of. Kinda like Urkel, but with bright red lips and oh-so-tiny boobies.

If you have a fatal allergy to peanuts, rest assured that Paige will stick’em in her brownie mix while baking you a pan of brownies to make up for accidentally running over your dog. And your Mom. Ah, Paige, you silly nut-nut. Did I mention that Paige is a social worker?

Did I ever tell you that I like chicks with pale skin? Oh, come on, Paige. I know there’s a goth babe in there somewhere. Too bad no one taught her how to dress herself.

::Sigh::

 

 

 

Phoebe

When I think of Phoebe, I think of tattooed hotness. (Because I think chick tattoos are neat.) Her most outstanding feature? She has Alyssa Milano’s rack. And she clearly works out. A lot. But sadly, never on screen. Damn you again, Charmed!

Phoebe was a bit of a rebel and a free spirit in the Prue days, then went all peacemaker when Prue died. She started writing a love column for some newspaper in Charmed-land, and became kinda famous. Which is a weird move for a witch trying to lay low while also saving the world every week or so.

She also married the frigging devil for part of a season. No shit. Then she got all gun shy and swore off men for, like, a week. Finally, she fell in love with a cupid, who was played by a TV budget Billy Zane. Turns out the Elders set them up. (Note: they’re not the Watchtower Society’s kinda Elders. Not that a TV show about magical Jehovah’s Witnesses wouldn’t be neat. Hmm…)

The Elders did this to make up for all the crap they’d thrown at the sisters. Apparently Phoebe was the only one they gave a shit about as they didn’t do jack for anyone else on the show. Maybe they thought she was the hottest? That’s right ladies. There’s a heap of old bearded guys in heaven, standing around in white robes, watching you shower. And lovin’ it.

Think on that, ladies, and know despair.

Wow, that sounded kinda grim. Sorry for gettin’ all Lord Foul the Greyslayer on your asses. Anyway, couldn’t the Elders have bought the other sisters some nice scented candles or something? Maybe some sparkling vampire dildos before Edward Cullen made them all cool? Guess not.

 

 

Piper

I’ve always thought of Piper as the plain, unremarkable one with the worst hair. But then she inherited Prue’s bitchy rage and became the angry, slightly chubby one (by TV standards at least). Even then, she was easily the least insane of the Charmed Ones. She can also cook. Combined, that makes her prime marriage material for most men, so she got her own little family when she married Wicca Jesus … er, Leo … and had kids.

Then she started harping about Leo’s job all the time and I began to hate her like all the rest. Hey, it’s hard being Wicca Jesus, lady! Back off!

Anyone remember the time Piper turned Leo into a plant? Never date chicks with magic powers, fellas. That’s all I can say.

 

 

Cole

Cole started out as an evil demon (cool!) sent to assassinate the Charmed Ones. Go get’em, Cole! He was half human and prone to transform into a big black guy covered in tattoos and red grease paint.

Later, he lost his powers because he was way more interesting than the sisters and something just had to be done about it.

More later, Cole was “possessed” by the Source of All Evil just as he was about to marry Phoebe. Somehow, he managed to get control of himself again and became Cole, the Totally Badass Source of All Fricking Evil and Excellence Everywhere. Hell yeah! This was about as good as Charmed ever got.

Naturally, he left the show. Too bad he didn’t go out on a high note.

After Cole’s reign of awesomeness, Phoebe and the sisters tried to vanquish him. Note that Phoebe was the one who encouraged him to go ahead and be evil in the first place! Then she and her sisters tried to ice his ass for being evil. (Dirty little…) What the…!? Man, some chicks really are fickle.

Here’s the problem. Cole came back. But only the part of him that sucked.

From here on, he was always whining and moaning. “Phoebe! I punched a window in for you, baby! Phooebeeeeeeeee! Somebody, just shoot me in the face! Hey, it’s not working! Why am I so indestructible?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I kept watching and hoping he’d snap out of it, but he just wouldn’t stop crying like a little bitch. Finally, he got himself offed when he recreated the world in a bid to get Alyssa Milano’s rack back. I shed a tear, but it was for the best. These days, I choose to remember Cole as what he should have been: the frigging Devil.

You rock, Cole. You didn’t deserve this, bro. Stupid writers and those actors with their contracts… ::Sniff:: Peace out, man.

Cole’s Secretary

She may have been a skinny-ass blonde, but let’s face it: if Cole had dumped Phoebe for her, he’d probably be running the world by now. Hell, he might even have his own show! (Nip-Tuck doesn’t count!) She was sexy and smart, so that made up for her not having an ass. Or boobs. Hey, at least she dressed nice! I mean hot. You know.

Blondes in little black dresses always work. No eye rolling, ladies! It’s called science. And stuff.

For what it’s worth, the Atheist Geek salutes her. And her dress. Another character offed before her time.

 

 

 

 

Leo

If Cole is the totally bad ass Source of All Evil (and Excellence!), then Leo is pretty much his emasculated opposite. They should have just made him walk around in a skirt picking daisies all the time. And not just any skirt. A yellow one, with cute wittle flowers and unicorns leaping over rainbows. In my version, he’d be carrying a big lollipop and have a huge bow tie, too. If you’re a guy, you’ll hate the feminized, overly supportive, unrealistic fantasy man called Leo Wyatt. He’s basically June Cleaver in drag.

If I hate watching him, how could it have been to play him? Poor, sad little Brian Krause, how did you ever get through it? I’d have killed myself before the end of my first season. I know I would. I mean, come on…there’s no way Leo could have had any balls. Not even one.

But he was a good father, you say? Please. It may seem contradictory, but Leo was pretty much married to his job. Besides, we all know that Wyatt was probably Cole’s kid anyway. Who could resist the prince of darkness, eh? Poor little Leo didn’t even put two and two together: no balls means no kids, dude. So how could your wife get all pregnant when you’re ball free? He probably just thought it was a Christmas miracle or something and choose not to question it. What a loser.

Then Leo became an Elder and little bit of a dick. I still didn’t like him, but at least he wasn’t a total panzie anymore. Elders can throw lightning and stuff, so that’s something. Right?

As always happens whenever a male character becomes too interesting or powerful, the writers had him declawed and reduced him to a whimpering puss by taking away his powers. Damn, he couldn’t even find a job because he didn’t have a social security number! At least they had the decency to kill Cole’s ass off. Leo had to suffer in quiet, needlessly effeminate futility.

Finally, a lady called “the Angel of Destiny” did try to put him out of his (and my) misery. Why? To give Piper more motivation to fight “the ultimate power.” How the hell does that work? I really don’t get chick logic.

Or maybe the angel just wanted Leo for herself? He was great at being supportive. And gave one heck of a pep talk. That’s what I think happened. Home wrecker!

Vampire Queen

She was hot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spider Demon

Her too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grams

Here’s a quiz for ya: whose mom was raised by a man-hater with super powers? Give up? Why, the Charmed Ones! That’s who. Yes, Gram‘s hatred of men ran so deep, she could barely stand the sight of her first grandson, Wyatt. She even refused to bless him or Christen him or whatever the hell Charmed babes do. Yeah, I’m sure having his dead grandma decry the fact that he has a wiener didn’t screw him up for life. Good one, Penny Halliwell!

Maybe that’s why Wyatt turned evil in about a dozen parallel universes? Ya never know.

Damn, and ya say TNT is running this show? Grams would have had her own sitcom on the Lifetime Network by now!

Tough break, Penny.

 

 

Wyatt

You’ll mostly see Wyatt as a toddler who pops in to crush all hope of Piper and Leo ever having sex. Turns out he’s their obnoxious kid, too.

If you thought Leo was Wicca Jesus, you ain’t seen jack yet, me bucko. Wyatt is like Jesus times Neo from the Matrix or somethin’. He’s supposed to be way powerful and stuff.

You’ll also see episodes where he pops in from a future where he turns evil and rules the world. It would have been totally bad ass, but he’s always sporting a goatee and a T-shirt. Come on, everyone knows that goatees are hilarious! I just can’t stay scared of him when he obviously a gay Satanist or something.

 

 

 

Chris

Like Wyatt, you’ll mostly see Chris when he pops in from the future. Chris is Wyatt’s younger brother, by the way. While Wyatt is all super powerful, Chris is just kinda average. And he knows it, too. So he stands there, brooding angrily while Wyatt is banging a chorus line of hot chicks right in front of him and living as a god among men.

No wonder Chris didn’t tell anyone who he really was when he arrived from the future to save them all. Not that they appreciated it. They were too busy hovering over “precious” baby Wyatt and worrying about him turning evil ‘n’ stuff. Yeah, sooner or later, Chris’ll make’em all pay.

The best part is that his aunt Phoebe thought he was hot before she knew who he really was. You know he wanted to grab her ass every time they hugged. Chris, no one would have blamed you, man. Just remember that grabbing and tapping are too different things. So pinch away.

Inspector Sheridan

Inspector Sheridan is the hottest babe on the entire show and quite possibly a superior form of life. Once the producers realized that Sheridan would create more wood than Phoebe (even in lingerie!) they knew they had to do something quick. By then, the contracts had already been signed and actress Jenya Lano was locked in. Damn! No, I really mean hell yeah! So they compensated by making her really annoying as she tried to foil the sisters at every turn. Ya know what? I didn’t care.

Deep down, I knew the inspector meant well. So did her heaving bosom. Perhaps I loved them … or her … too much. Sometimes, it’s hard to separate the three of them in my mind. Still, I’m pretty sure it’s love. If Sheridan and Phoebe could have made out onscreen or something, I would have become a real fan of the show. The kind who records every episode for later review. Alas, it wasn’t that kind of a series. It damn well should have been, but it wasn’t.

Finally, they killed Sheridan’s fine ass off. Damn them all to Hell!

Sheridan, you may be dead now, but I think I speak for all heterosexual men when I say: you’ll always be heaving in our hearts. Thankfully, actress Jenya Lano remains alive and well.

I damn sure expect to see her in more stuff, Hollywood! Fellow geeks should take note: she’s already been in a few slightly naughty movies. Do an IMDB lookup fellas. I shall speak of this no more.

The internet helps those who help themselves.

 

 

The Ultimate Power

Turns out, the Ultimate Power in Charmed-land is just a couple of skinny-ass white chicks. You’ll get to know Billie the best as she gets more screen time than her sister, Christy. You’ll notice that Billie is twice as annoying … and twice as dumb. She might even be dumber than Paige, and can barely remember to breath unless Christy reminds her on a regular basis. Saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Still, Billie has the power of “projection” that allows her to remake the world to suit her every whim. That makes her the brawn of their chick-power duo.

Christy can set fires with her mind and has more than a brain stem to work with inside the ol’ coconut, so as the brains of their operation, it’s not like she isn’t doing her share. Neither of the sisters are played by the best actresses, but if you’re into skinny 20-something’s with almost no discernible shape, you might enjoy watching these too battle it out with the Charmed babes.

Which brings me to a problem. There are three Charmed babes. They’re supposed to be the most powerful witches in, like, forever. Then these two co-eds show up and kick their asses all over the screen. And somehow, the Angel of Destiny thinks that taking Leo from Piper will turn the tide. How, Aaron Spelling? Just tell me how! OK, I’m done complaining about the Leo thing.

If you make it to the final episodes of Charmed as I did, you’ll get to see Piper try to kill Billie’s ass off. That’ll be kinda neat, eh?

Ultimately, Billie was Charmed’s (spelling?) answer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But we all know that the Scooby Gang would have kicked their asses.

Sorry. But it had to be said.

 

 

 

In Conclusion

Don’t plan on watching Charmed for its philosophical underpinnings. But there’s a lot of hilarious melodrama and weird outfits to be had. Even some hot chicks to stare at. (You’ll have to make due with Phoebe until heaving Sheridan … the love of my life … shows up.) And there’s exactly one interesting male character: the Devil, played by Julian McMahon as Cole.

A search on the web for Charmed babe images will reveal a lot of blurred, steamy pics that have been seriously Photoshopped. Nerds, be warned: no touching your junk while you surf.

I was truly shocked to learn that people who aren’t desperate, middle aged housewives watch this show. There’s me, for instance. And there’s the occasional teenager. I weep for them, but they’re out there. Kids, why the hell aren’t you watching Buffy?

This show was on for ten years or somethin’. So like I said before, it can’t be all bad. It has a refreshingly innocent dumbness to it, and a big sign above it that reads “No testosterone allowed!” I’m constantly offended by this and entranced all at the same time.

The occasional demon-babe in skanky leather doesn’ hurt, either.

So go watch Charmed. You’ll love hating it too.