We ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are, of course, pure evil.1 Just ask one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They’ll tell ya.2 Yeah, we lurk the Earth, hiding under their beds, whispering dark thoughts, like, “You don’t need to go out in field service today.” Or, “Maybe the Governing Body really is full of shit.” Or even, “Maybe you should buy that new P. Diddy album. Nobody’ll know, right?”3 Darn us all. You’d think we’d have jobs to go to or lives to get on with.4 Maybe the horns growing out of our heads force us on the Welfare, so we have all kinds of free time.5 Still, why are we so mean?6 I mean, those poor Witnesses never pick on us or demonize us in any way. Right?7 Or course not. Because that would be hypocritically effed up.8 Well, people at The World’s Totally Jealous of How Awesome Jehovah’s Witnesses Are, Inc., have finally come up with a solution.9 And it’s a shocker.10
Turns out that former Jehovah’s Witnesses like me are just a bunch of cry babies.11 The Elders were mean and picked on us and stuff, so we left in a river of tears with a ream of toilet paper stuck to our shoe. (::Sniff::)12 Darn them. Er, us. Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:42, Luke 17:2 be damned! Here, have a hanky on me and dry your cryin’ eyes. Hold the pain. Hold it in…
Anyway, the institute 13 has finally categorized the 5 kinds of Elder who most likely sent you screaming into the night. Gird your loins, people. It’s flashback time. Somebody cue some 60s rock n roll. I’m listening to “All Along the Watchtower”14 as I write this.
Elder #1: The Dress and Grooming Nazi15
You remember this guy. He’s the one who would fly into a rage and spray the Kingdom Hall with bullets if someone arrived with a pair of slacks that didn’t match their jacket. Yeah, that’s why he always sat in the same chair. He had to stash his machine gun someplace, right? That kidder. Actually, now that I think about it, he was probably your Ministry School Conductor, too. Hmm… Ain’t that a bitch.
Anyway, despite his habit of gently nudging you back into utter obedience by smashing your face into the old O.M. book repeatedly, he was hard to talk to. That’s because his face was always boiling red from the steam flying out of his ears. That’s what happens when he catches someone wearing gym socks instead of the fancy ones from your local Boscovs. Hey, why the hell are we letting him check our socks, anyway? Oh, I forgot about the gun.
Elder#2: The Angry Literature Elder
“You know there’s a meeting on Thursdays, right? It’s at exactly the same time it was last week. And the week before that. So why show up without your damn book?! I assume you studied it before the meeting…right? Hey, I don’t have a life, so neither should you! Now eat this bug! I said eat it!!! Jehovah wants you to eat the bug! Now chew! Swallow it. I said SWALLOW IT, NERD! Do you WANT to die in Armageddon?! SO EAT THE BUG, DAMN YOU!!!!!!“
Bet ya got chills just now, right? That’s because my imitation of your angry literature Elder is uncanny. Heh heh. High five, anyone?
This guy spends most of his time scanning the crowd at each meeting in search of someone without a book or a magazine in their hand. If that’s you, he’ll pass you his copy–even if you’re on the opposite end of the Kingdom Hall.16 It will be marked and labeled impeccably, of course, with notes and references to other literature scribbled all along the margins. When you look over to thank him17 you’ll see that he already has another copy of the book as he flips you off. This is because his service bag is a tiny TARDIS18 and therefore much bigger on the inside than on the outside. Jehovah granted him this Time Lord technology to make sure you stop forgetting your literature, you slacker! Come on, man. Get with the program. Don’t make Jesus cry! He worked hard to write those articles for you every month.19
Don’t fret. When you go to leave the meeting, he’ll be standing there. Waiting for you. “Just wanted to get my book back,” he says with a chuckle, his hand out and waiting. You smile at him, nervously, as you reach for the book with a quivering hand. “Sure,” you tell him as you wipe the sticky sweat from your brow.
Then he grabs your hand and he slaps the cuffs on you, stabbing you with a shot of knockout juice20 into your vein. When you wake up in his basement hours later, you’ll be confident that you’ll never, ever forget to bring your book again. If he lets you live. That kidder.
Whatever you do, don’t invite him to your house. He’ll just start rifling through your literature (without asking) to see if you’ve highlighted the answers to the questions and written comments along the sides of them. It’s crucial you get it right, because it will determine if he’ll let you leave before he burns down your house that evening. If you haven’t been good, then he’ll nail the doors shut before he starts to pour the gasoline.21 So be good for goodness sake!
I dare ya to write a song about this guy and post it in the comments below.
Elder #3: The Bitter Woman Hater
Every congregation has at least three of these guys. They start out innocently enough when you first meet them, always kiddin’ about their wives. “She just sits at home all day, watching soaps, while I’m off to work. ‘So long, sucker!’ she says with a wave. Heh heh. Seriously, don’t ever get married kid. It’ll turn your whole life into a living Hell!!” Yeah, he sure is funny. Eh? When she’s good, he actually lets his wife leave his sight for up to 10 seconds at a time. The other brothers can only envy his courage.
Then, before you know it, he’s refusing to meet with any sister, at any time, for any reason, without an armed escort. If a sister does make the horrifying mistake of turning to him for any kind of support, he will always remain at least three football fields away for fear she’ll leap at him, frothing at the mouth as she rips off her cloths.22 Still, he will gladly offer the best comfort he can via a cell phone. Remember that text messages make him uncomfortable because chicks love that whole sexting thing.
Don’t worry, he’ll be sure to remind you that he’s not “interested” at your hour of most desperate need.23 Then you’ll see his wife waving to you. She’ll be crying and holding up a sign.
Elder #4: The Apostate Hunter
Apostates are everywhere. They’re hiding in your bathroom, your cabinets, even your glove compartment. They must be stopped. To do that, you need the Apostate Hunter. He’ll drop the DF bomb in a heartbeat, man. Anything it takes to protect himself from turning worldly. Or gay.
Miss two meeting nights in a row and trust me, you’ll be on his list. When you return from that week you spent on vacation, he’ll already have a judicial committee ready to smite you in Jehovah’s name.24 Try not to look out your window at night, because he’ll be there, talking naughty to himself as he leafs through old copies of the Awake! magazine. Unless he’s still going through your trash. Or your pantie drawer.25
Don’t ever talk about the apostate hunter. Not because your place is bugged. No, that’s worldly thinking. He has suction cups on his hands and he’s above you right now. DON’T LOOK! Whatever you do, don’t look! Just get up quietly and open the window, then leave the room. He’ll fly out on his own eventually.
Elder #5: The Power Behind The Power
Everybody knows this is his congregation. Half the Elders there were groomed for power by this man. He’s probably your Presiding Overseer or someone like that. Whoever he is, he has friends in the Society. Big, big friends. When he tells you to “try being more humble,” you should really listen. Cuz he’ll ice your ass if you don’t play ball.
Still, he isn’t all bad. He’s the only one who can reign in the other Elders on this list. Well, maybe. The Apostate Hunter might be an exception. But only if he can get to The Power first. The Power’s always ready for the next joker who wants to take him down, ya know. Many have tried, then moved away under mysterious circumstances, their Elder credentials ground into dust. Have you ever tried calling one of these long, lost Elders? For some reason, their number is always out of service by order of Witness Protection. Or worse.
The Power is often one of the more charismatic Elders, good for slapping people on the back whenever they tell a good joke. People always jump when he does that. Probably because they’re wondering how long it’ll take for the poison to set in.
DISCLAIMER: This post was made for funny-ness and stuff. The Atheist Geek is very fragile and will come over to your house and cry at the slightest provocation. The Surgeon General does not recommend prolonged exposure to the Atheist Geek for any reason.
- Yep. It’s true. ↩
- Don’t take it personally. They’re simply worried about you, as a person. ↩
- Or even, “Maybe I’ll finally watch an episode of Mork and Mindy, despite the fact they’re living together without being married throughout most of the series.” ↩
- Wait. We don’t?!? ↩
- I spend mine writing shit like this. When I’m not surfing the web for porn, that is. ↩
- Hey, those horns hurt. We gotta take it out on somebody. ↩
- Does a bear wipe its ass with a rabbit when it craps in the woods? ↩
- There. That makes up for all the other naughty words you’ll be encountering in this post. ↩
- Two words: road trip! ↩
- What generation change? Silly apostate. New light is for kids. ↩
- I wet my bed at least 4 times a week. Whatever it takes to get a new mattress, dammit! ↩
- Dare ya to try picturing this. ↩
- Not a real institute. ↩
- Bear McCreary’s version will have to do. Damn copyright lawyers. ↩
- I prefer the dress and grooming uptight-controlling-putz-who-needs-to-get-laid to Nazi. Because comparing people to Nazi’s is just mean and wrong. Which is what I’m all about. ↩
- His eyes are magic. He can see anything from any angle. And he only uses his powers for good. Never to look down a woman’s top or anything like that. Honest. Not that I’ve thought about it or anything like that. No. ↩
- …because you damn well better thank him, or else. ↩
- Time and relative dimensions in space, better known as , “BBC Dr. Who horseshit.” ↩
- Actually, as an atheist, I doubt that Jesus does a lot of writing. ↩
- The Society supplies this to all Elders. They call it knockout juice instead of its real chemical name so you can’t figure out the antidote. Slick, ain’t they? ↩
- I have kind of a dark sense of humor. I blame my parents because it’s fun. ↩
- Ladies, feel free to pull this one on me at any time. I’ll gladly go to jail. Oh God, I am soooo lonely. ::Sniff:: ↩
- DO NOT SEND HIM ANY PICTURES VIA TEXT MESSAGE! ↩
- Some feel that Dick Cheney would have made a good Elder. ↩
- Why is your pantie drawer outside??? ↩