Guess What The Society’s Latest Trainwreck Is All About? (HINT: Apparently Deaf People Shouldn’t Masturbate.)

Dude trapped in a box.

Either the Society wants you to know that only deaf people can prevent masturbation or this guy is trapped in an invisible box.

Yeah, you thought the Society’s use of “mentally diseased” to describe apostates 1 showed poor judgment. Then they came out with that video about Sparlock and suddenly, the Governing Body’s lack of judgment went viral! Surely they’ve learned the error of their ways by now, right?

Right??

BEHOLD! The Atheist Geek brings you the awesomest, bestest, most fantastic example of Watchtower goofiness yet. Are you sitting down? Probably. You might want to lay down to avoid falling out of your chair for this one, though. Get it while it’s still available!

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  1. Unless you still believe in their “truth” and their organization, you’re one!

What Is Sparlock, The New Ex-Witness Meme?

Sparlock the Warrior Wizard is the Watchtower Society’s newest unintended act of shameful hilarity, one that ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses across the net have latched onto and made their own. It is also the product of an organization run by a bunch of clueless old guys who are probably still complaining about the kids with their Walkmans and those new-fangled airplanes and such. For ex-Witnesses who feel that the Society exists in a Twilight Zone bubble of creepiness, Sparlock could surely serve as our exhibit A.

Sparlock is awesome, even if the video that spread the name is not. If you haven’t seen it yet, the video appears below.

UPDATE: “The man” has dropped the hammer on this video, crushing poor little Sparlock like so many of Caleb’s hopes and dreams. Another version has appeared, and another, and still another, but they will surely go away before many of you can see it. You can get more in the way of details on the actual video at Watchtower’s New “Toy Story” – What Parents Need To Know thanks to Cedars. Check out the rest of his blog while you’re there.

That was part 2. The first part is also on YouTube, and is just as depressing. Not to mention manipulative. But I digress. Remember kids, the Society actually put this video out there for Jehovah’s Witnesses–and all their critics–to see. They spent real money on this turd, went through some sort of editorial process to write it, tweak it, and bring it to life, then produced thousands of DVDs and spread them far and wide, all without realizing just how bizarre and creepifying it would be for those of us who do not exist within their stifling bubble of disjointed magazine covers and old guys in black suits.

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(Warning: Cruel And Inane Humor To Follow) The 5 Kinds Of Elder Who Drove You Out Of The Kingdom Hall

We ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are, of course, pure evil.1 Just ask one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. They’ll tell ya.2 Yeah, we lurk the Earth, hiding under their beds, whispering dark thoughts, like, “You don’t need to go out in field service today.” Or, “Maybe the Governing Body really is full of shit.” Or even, “Maybe you should buy that new P. Diddy album. Nobody’ll know, right?”3 Darn us all. You’d think we’d have jobs to go to or lives to get on with.4 Maybe the horns growing out of our heads force us on the Welfare, so we have all kinds of free time.5 Still, why are we so mean?6 I mean, those poor Witnesses never pick on us or demonize us in any way. Right?7 Or course not. Because that would be hypocritically effed up.8 Well, people at The World’s Totally Jealous of How Awesome Jehovah’s Witnesses Are, Inc., have finally come up with a solution.9 And it’s a shocker.10

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  1. Yep. It’s true.
  2. Don’t take it personally. They’re simply worried about you, as a person.
  3. Or even, “Maybe I’ll finally watch an episode of Mork and Mindy, despite the fact they’re living together without being married throughout most of the series.”
  4. Wait. We don’t?!?
  5. I spend mine writing shit like this. When I’m not surfing the web for porn, that is.
  6. Hey, those horns hurt. We gotta take it out on somebody.
  7. Does a bear wipe its ass with a rabbit when it craps in the woods?
  8. There. That makes up for all the other naughty words you’ll be encountering in this post.
  9. Two words: road trip!
  10. What generation change? Silly apostate. New light is for kids.

Screw The Podcast: Here’s A PDF Of My Essay Instead

podcastAfter plugging away on my little essay for some time now, I had hoped to turn it into a podcast that readers could download and listen to. I had even hoped to enlist one or two other ex-Witnesses to help read a few of the parts. (I asked Moxie about that a while ago via email, though I never heard back from her.) But even with a USB connector, it seems I can’t get decent sound with my cardiod microphones anymore. There’s too much hiss, and using hiss reduction creates too many audible artifacts. So…

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Crap. And I was hoping to do a few of these in a series. I’m feeling cheap these days, too, so I don’t know that I’d care to get another microphone just yet.

For now, it seems you must settle for a PDF of my essay, which can be found here. Spread it far and wide, my friends. Complain about it. Etc. It comes complete with illustrations and links, plus a few comments from Austin Cline’s atheism web site.

Some day, I’d actually like to create a book with contributions from others. I’d probably end up giving it away as a PDF. But still, I was hoping to turn it into something like books written by the Daily Show’s staff, only for ex-Witnesses. (I’m talking about those books with Jon Stewart from Comedy Central’s Daily Show.) Maybe it’ll still happen. Ya never know.