I still remember seeing the original Karate Kid at the old drive-in theater with my parents. I was eleven years old and it was a great movie. Little did I know that all the sequels would blow or that, decades later, I would begin seeing advertisements for a remake of the Karate Kid.Shudder.
My reaction to this was probably the same as yours: outright denial. As I wept in my bed that same evening, I dared ignite a single spark of hope. Maybe the new Karate Kid won’t be that bad, I told myself.
Then I went back to thinking about porn like a real man.
My wife and I recently saw the Karate Kid remake on one of those movie channels the kids used to love so much before the Twitter and the iPod. Were my hopes for this movie as pointless as my fantasy about a four-way with the Charmed1 sisters? Or can you safely run your copy of the original Karate Kid through a shredder?
Actually, I’d throw in Prue and make it a five way. She’s the dead one, in case you didn’t know. Hey, as long as Prue shuts her mouth, she’s more than welcome to my fantasy party! Oh, you gave me that look because you thought she’d still be dead when I was banging her? Weirdo. ↩
I wanted to write a review of Avatar when I first saw it, but found it so bland and predictable that it wasn’t even worth making fun of at the time. It just felt too much like work to bother, ya know? Then, seeing that a newer, even longer, extra-skippy edition of Avatar is about to be released, I felt someone had to take a stand. Why not me? Consider it a public service announcement for all 8 people who haven’t seen the movie at least twice already. I also saw a rating for it on one of those movie channels I get with my Comcast subscription. It gave Avatar 3 1/2 out of 4 stars. They gave each of the Lord of the Rings movies the same exact rating, if that puts things into perspective for you. Well, I call bullshit on them.
Dudes … seriously … am I really the only who thinks Avatar sucked total rooster balls1? Just in case, I thought I’d tear the movie a new one and find out the hard way. So get your hate mail ready. I can take it, America. Just remember: I’m doing this for you.
So now, I ask you: am I really the only one who thinks the movie Avatar sucked big time?
There were three geeky chick-power TV shows in the nineties: Xena, Buffy, and Charmed. Which was the best? Hell, you know it’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sorry Xena fans, I just couldn’t get into Xena’s whole killer Frisbee thing. Her war cry (“yee yee yee yee yee…”) just made me laugh the first few times I heard it. Then I wanted her to just stop already.
But somewhere between Xena and Buffy, there was good ol’ Charmed. While Buffy ruled with dramatic story telling and Xena was fine if you needed the oil changed in your Dodge Caravan, Charmed was the hair twirling, bubble gum popping stepchild of girl-power TV. The stories were two dimensional, but it had Alyssa Milano, and she was neat to stare at. Rose McGowan approaches her level of hotness, but only when her legs at 100% power, like in the beginning of Planet Terror. And then there’s Holly Marie Combs… That’s all I have to say about her.
Hey, I know what you’re thinking: any show that starred three hotties couldn’t be all bad. And you’re right. It wasn’t all bad. In fact, Charmed was frikking hilarious. It wasn’t as hilarious as Knight Rider, but as you know by now, that’s just a physical impossibility.
Truth is that the show’s producers had a secret: they made me enjoy hating Charmed, and since hate is my Prozac, I just kept coming back for more. Ah, the memories. So you should watch it on TNT just like me, where Charmed will live forever. You’ll love hating it too.
Not sold yet? Here are some more reasons to watch Charmed.
I’ve been wanting to do a review of the first episode of Battlestar Galactica, season 4, for a while now. This is pretty much because the new Galactica rules. But since the second episode has already come and gone, all my Battlestar Galactica buddies will have seen the new season by now and realized that it’s going to be totally awesome. (Duh!) Therefore, a review would be a little late. So how can I spin this in a way that will keep me both smug and amused?
Selma recalls a lesson she learned from the Witness who studied with her. “On one particular day,” says Selma, “I didn’t want to have a Bible study. The night before, Steve had hit me as I had tried to prove a point, and I was feeling sad and sorry for myself...But the sister made me think differently by asking, ‘How many of those acts of love do you show toward your husband?’ My answer was, ‘None, for he is so difficult to live with.’ The sister softly said, ‘Selma, who is trying to be a Christian here? You or Steve?’ Realizing that I needed to adjust my thinking, I prayed to Jehovah to help me be more loving toward Steve. Slowly, things started to change.” After 17 years, Steve accepted the truth.