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Blog Of Darkness: Sauron, Just Before His Title Match!
Sauron Will Be The Next Heavy Weight Wrestling Champion Of The World, Brother!
8/15/07One ring to rule them all! One ring to bring them all to my title match! I, Sauron, shall destroy all who... Oh. It's you. I suppose you were expecting a huge flaming eyeball or something. Well, I've moved on. Okay? The past is in the past, just like all my many failures. Everyone deserves a second chance. My lifecoach says so, and so it must be.
Everything was going pretty sweet for a while. Until that little green gnome swallowed my magic ring and fell into the Crack of Doom. What did you say? Sigh. No, he didn't drop it in the fire like in the movie. What are you, stupid or something? Nevermind. Try reading a book once in a while, will ya?
My orcs and balrogs deserted me. A few of them even hung me from a tree by my undies. Life sucked. But I still had that big ass club I used to swing around, which was cool. And I was like 20 feet tall, so that helped. Still, I was alone. Then I hooked up with this Nephilim babe and we got engaged. She rocked my world for a time. Then some old guy called Noah wandered over with a Floodtower magazine and an overpriced insurance policy. It was the craziest thing I'd ever heard. Why would anyone pay some guy to tell them how to live their life? I still don't get it.
Anyway, the flood never happened. She slipped on a bar of soap when I was away on business and broke her leg. By the time I got there a week later, she was already dead from starvation. Sniff. And that Noah clown was in the backyard trying to steal two of my sheep! (Never liked that guy) I had him arrested for stealing. I'm sure the rest is history by now.
I was pretty bummed out for the first 50,000 years or so. Then I signed this contract with my new manager, Satan, and everything finally started coming together for old Sauron. Now I've got my own place and I'm scheduled for an exhibition match next week with Chyna! I should have my cup reinforced by then, so it's cool. My nards aren't as indestructible as they used to be. I hear crazy chicks like to bite. So beware!
Anyway, times a wasting. There's a King Xerxes with my championship belt around his waste. I aim to claim it with my leg drop of doom! I hear the guy's kinda creepy, though.
Well, that's it. Take care, you half hobbit freaks.
-Sauron-
Lord of the Rings
Heavy Weight Champion of the World!


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