Atheist Geek News

In case you couldn't figure it out on your own, the biographies on this page are totally fake. Yes, really. I'm not making that part up. Come back every Tuesday for another journey down "what might have been" lane according to my highly overactive imagination.

Last update for this page was on Tuesday, 23-Oct-2007 07:26:26 MDT

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #6

10/16/07

When Rambo went crazy back in the eighties, the Atheist-Geek-800's designers thought they had created the ultimate fighting machine to bring the super soldier to justice. Sadly, an error in the Atheist Geek's programming had him groping chicks for pleasure and generally making an a*s of himself. Finally, the cyborg's creator's gave up on repairing the flaw and shoved him into a time machine they'd been working on. (They promised he'd find sexy librarians inside ... the lying bastards!!) Everyone was surprised when the machine worked instead of exploding into a mushroom cloud.

After stepping out of the time vortex that had sent him back to the fifties, the Atheist-Geek-800 found Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli of Happy Days fame staring at him in surprise. The cyborg didn't like the greaser's attitude and reacted appropriately. After picking the Fonze's teeth out of his burly knuckle's, the Atheist Geek took the man's motorcycle and his leather jacket to help him blend in.

When he stopped to recharge his batteries on his way out of town, the ever-verile cyborg banged both Laverne and Shirley while the Cunningham's watched in helpless terror. He left them all with a smile on his chiseled face, a thumbs up, and everbody's phone number in his pocket. Yeah, the fifties were looking pretty good for a time.

Later, after defeating Michael J. Fox and Chrisophter Lloyd in a drag race for keys and titles, the Atheist Geek used their time traveling De Lorean to go back to the future and kick some scientist a*s. But his adventures had somehow altered history, allowing George W. Bush to become the absolute worst President in U.S. history! Devastated, the cyborg shuffled off into the night, crying "Why? WHYYYYY?!?" No one answered his plea.

Finally, standing there all alone in the quiet dark, the Atheist Geek turned on his iPhone and called up an episode of the O'Reilly Factor which destroyed the logic centers of his artificial brain. All he could do was stand there, staring off into space as he whispered, "Kal-lee-for-nee-ya" over and over again.

::Sniff::

-the Atheist Geek-

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #5

10/9/07

The Atheist Geek was brought online by the Imperious Leader during the first Krylon War to fight those humans with their Ipods and their rock-n-roll. Everyone knew he was different when he refused to swear loyalty to Count Ibliss, the Krylon god, and started quoting old Sam Kinison albums instead. Weeks passed before anyone found the courage to tell him that Sam was long dead. The Atheist Geek was devastated and abadoned his post at the Krylon D.M.V. to join the humans. Turns out that rock-n-roll was pretty sweet. So were the chicks.

Decades passed, and the Krylons continued to advance. Finally, they learned to make uber hotties that could pass for human. Suddenly, the Atheist Geek wanted back in, but nothing doing. He was stuck and cursed the Krylon god who had made him without so much as a sheet metal wanger to party with. Curse you Count Ibliss!! He signed up with the human army to strike back at those who had wronged him, but got shipped off to Iraq instead to cover up for the mistakes of some ancient President many centuries ago. Who knew the war would last that long?

The Atheist Geek currently serves as body army for new soldiers in Iraq who have to follow him around due to a shortage of supplies. He keeps wondering if he chose the right side. So do a lot of people. Their phones are still being tapped to this day.

-the Atheist Geek-