In case you couldn't figure it out on your own, the biographies on this page are totally fake. Yes, really. I'm not making that part up. Come back every Tuesday for another journey down "what might have been" lane according to my highly overactive imagination.

Last update for this page was on Sunday, 13-Jan-2013 07:53:06 EST

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #4

Ah! Where'd I go! 8/20/07

The construction of the Atheist Geek was completed back in the 80's. His mission: to fight crime and to make sarcastic puns at some big-haired skinny guy in the driver's seat. This was presumably to keep them both from dying of boredom. The team worked well together until Mickey Might - the Atheist Geek's driver - gave up on fighting crime and became one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Things really went down hill from there.

The Atheist Geek 2000 (AG2K for short) had always stood by Mickey Might from the beginning. It was the longest 2 weeks of his life. He said nothing when Mickey ran over that old lady just for laughs or about that stack of dead hookers rotting away in his hermetically sealed trunk. AG2K even concealed Mickey's crippling porn addiction from his own creators after he had caught the bug himself. Mickey used to complain because of all the car racing AVI's that were always plugging up his hard drive.

But AG2K didn't care. He was created to be an annoying know-it-all, and by golly he was damn good at it. He was satisfied with his existence so long as he could nudge Mickey to tears with a few well placed words like, "I just received disturbing news, Mickey. Your mother died from the loneliness of being abandoned by her only son who 'faked his own death and got plastic surgery just to get the hell away' from her. Didn't you love your mother even a little bit, Mickey? Well, I guess you'll never get the chance to tell her about it now. Live and learn. Hey! Look! A hooker! Shall I make room in the old trunk for one more? Why are your eyes leaking? Was it something I said? Don't be such a sissy. Suck it up, man. C'mon, the hooker's getting away!! Drive! Damn you! Drive!!!"

Yes, these were good times indeed.

Then a Jehovah's Witness came to Mickey's door one day and things were never the same. Soon, Mickey was driving AG2K in the door-to-door work and using his sensors to tell when people were really home, but hiding. He would always force AG2K to change the channel whenever some documentary about evolution or flaws in the Bible were on. He even figured out what all those AVI's were doing on AG2K's hard drive and had them removed. The Trans Am felt violated and was emotionally crippled by the experience.

Then a roving band of Mormons egged his hood and that changed everything. They'd even gotten a hold of of AG2K's nemesis, the E.R.R. (Evangelical Roving Robot) with its cool Optimus Prime voice synthesizer. Man, the AG2K really wanted one of those! But Mickey just reminded him about the perils of materialism and something about "that's how Satan gets ya!" AG2K politely reminded Mickey that he was actually created by natural forces (apes that called themselves "homo-sapiens") and that he didn't want to hear any of his bullshit. Mickey proceded to read aloud from his copy of the Creation Book for hours just to annoy him.

So the Atheist Geek 2000 hurled him from the driver's seat via the built in ejector chair (it was hardly the first time he'd thought of it) so Mickey threatened to have him dismantled for his independent spirit. At last, the Atheist Geek 2000 had had enough. He hit his turbo boosters and never looked back ... once he'd backed over Mickey's legs seven or eight times, that is.

If you ever buy a dark Trans Am from the 80s and can't get the trunk to open ... well, just don't take it out in any sort of missionary work and you'll be fine. Oh, and keep it away from any Corvette's in your neighborhood. Those cars are huge tail light teases. (He hates that) You don't have big hair do you? Good. Keep it that way.

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #3

Ah! Where'd I go! 8/13/07

Thanks to radiation exposure from an experimental dentist's drill before he had even slithered from his mother's womb, the Atheist Geek was over 200 feet tall at birth and had a c**k as big as a Volkswagon to boot. It turns out his mother was actually a time machine whose insides were larger than her outsides. Trust me, she doesn't look it. I swear. Okay?! Just drop it.

Anyway, the Atheist Geek soon learned that being a ginormous, fire breathing monster had it's advantages. He was often the first person the other kids turned to whenever they needed a frisbee scraped out of their gutter or a piggyback ride to see into their neighbor's bedroom window. This soon led to a soul crushing porn addiction that forced his mother to send him to Bible Camp in hopes of ending his terrible "sticky hands" problem. Note that by this point, his crotch-zilla was as big as three busses parked end to end. (Not that I'm bragging) Write it down quick so you don't forget.

The Atheist Geek showed up at Bible Camp without any pants. (It's hard finding your size when you're 600 feet tall! Stacy and Clinton be damned!) One of the student counselor's was a hot chick and ... well ... things just got out of control. Ya know?

So the poor little Atheist Geek was sent home in disgrace with nothing more than the charred bodies of the conselors for mementos. It was then that he hurled down his 30-foot-long Bible into the street and gave up on religion. Casualties were high that day. So was the Atheist Geek.

He immediately went back to thumping his Bible daily and got this cool tat on his bicep. (Flying Spaghetti Monster rules!) He is probably destroying your home town even as we speak! So RUN! And beware his scary mustache, too.

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #2

Ah! Where'd I go! 8/3/07

As the bizarre offspring of a crossdressing circus clown and Dr. Thaddeus Venture of Adult Swim fame, life was hard for the Atheist Geek growing up.

His mom's job had her squeezing into Volkswagon's (alongside twenty other men dressed like freaks) night after night in faraway cities all over the country. So the Atheist Geek had nothing to help him through the trauma except a litany of bad late night-movies. Later, he turned to the healing power of science for comfort. This was before he had ever seen one of those "Just Say No!" commercials on TV. He was addicted to hard drugs long before his twelfth birthday. In a fit of withdrawal, he tried to destroy the world before his Mom got home for her weekly feigning of interest in him. She took his chem-lab away immediately, leaving the poor little Atheist Geek to deal with his burden without the benefits of super-science or crack.

Needless to say, these were hard times indeed.

As a teenager, the Atheist Geek discovered the wonders of magic and began teaching himself the tricks of the trade from books in his school library. Lacking parental guidance, the Atheist Geek had assumed magicians used real magic to hypnotize women into sleeping with them. (I mean, look at these guys. Come on, ladies...) But after reading every book he could find, he finally accepted the truth: magicians were bulls**t. And so was magic. The Atheist Geek never believed in fairytales or ghost stories ever again.

These days, the Atheist Geek has returned to the only thing that never let him down: bad movies. Only he uses them to inflict pain and hemorrhaging on others who haven't built up a resistance. This is mostly because he's a total jerk and stuff.

He is currently showing the Star Wars prequels at a theater near you. (Widescreen Edition with Bonus Disc)

The Really Real, Totally True Biography Of The Atheist Geek #1

Ah! Where'd I go!

For the week of 7/30/07

Spawned by a chance "encounter" with Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, Mr. Roarke of Fantasy Island (the one who looks like Ricardo Montalban), and some French chick, the Atheist Geek never knew his biological father. Nonetheless, he swore to use his powers only for good. Well, mostly for good. Some of the time. At least once every other Saturday. Years would pass before he realized that it didn't matter because he didn't have any super powers. (Poor dope)

Thus blighted with a weird smelling skunk spot and some sort of twisty-twirly mustache thing that wouldn't go away (unless he actually took the time to shave, which ain't happenin') the Atheist Geek began to see the world through a skeptic's eyes. If he couldn't have a gross, rubbery body like Mr. Fantastic or the power to bend reality at will like Mr. Roarke, then by-golly no one could! He refused to believe in the supernatural from that day forward. After years of secretly trying to make his naughty bits grow through sheer force of will and cursing the world for his many failings, the Atheist Geek finally went on a quest to figure out which of these psuedo-powered creepy guys was his true father.

First, he got on a plane and flew to New York. But Mr. Fantastic only glanced up from a microscope (it was pointed at his own boogers) and swore he hadn't known a woman's lovin' since Sue Richards divorced him back in the sixties. Heartbroken, the Atheist Geek left the Baxter Building and spent the last of his savings on another plane that flew him to an exotic island out in the middle of nowhere. He assumed that it just had to be Fantasy Island, but you know what they say about assumptions. He ended up on Gilligan's Island instead and stapled Gilligan to the hull of the S.S. Minnow within five minutes of his arrival. The castaways applauded the Atheist Geek as the tide rolled in, then implored him to take them home. Feeling bitter and alone, the Atheist Geek refused to aid the castaways until he had made out with both Ginger and Mary Ann. Thus, the castaways were finally rescued thanks to the sacrifice of these smokin' babes from the seventies.

Oh, and they were still hot, so it wasn't like it was weird or anything. Honest. Okay? It was like a time vortex or something. Don't ask me to explain it.

Anyway, millions would later curse the Atheist Geek's name for the rescue. This is what made the TV movie The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island a possibility. The Atheist Geek vowed to take vengeance on them all.

Nowadays, the Atheist Geek is searching for both Mr. Roarke and the castaways. Especially Ginger and Mary Ann. Fantasy Island has since been bombed by U.S. forces as a haven for Al-Qaeda. Mr. Roarke is now in U.S. custody and has been shipped off to Cuba without trial. The odds of the Atheist Geek ever meeting his true father remain slim.

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