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Humor For Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses:
How To Spot One Of Jehovah's Witnesses (A Guide For Government Employees)


Yes, the Watchtower Society has long taught Jehovah's Witnesses that the governments will soon clamp down on all religions worldwide. Soon as they all bow to the United Nations and form one super world government, that is. Which could be any day now. (It's a complicated prophecy, okay?) Being the one and only *True Religion (*trademark) Jehovah's Witnesses will be the last of the hold outs, surely destined to be hunted down like squirrels at a nut factory. (Don't think too hard about that last part)

Actually, I prefer to imagine a future Earth like you'd see in the old X-Men comic books where telepathic mutants are brainwashed, then used to hunt down their own kind. Gigantic robot Sentinels roam the Earth like the Titans of ancient myth. And all the while, the heroes never, ever curse, because that would make their creator's cry.

Anyway, since this is all fact and not a sign of paranoid delusions of grandeur, I will pretend to accept this grand, yet paranoid delusion for however long it takes me to write this article. Ah, I can see it now. I imagine the evil Satan-controlled governments will use ex-Witnesses like you and I to weed out the offenders just before Jesus pops down and kills everybody - except Jehovah's Witnesses, that is. (Are you sure you don't want a Watchtower?) But until Armageddon strikes, we exxers will need to show our loyalty to the evil Satan-controlled governments by handing them a list of tips on their quest to exterminate these *True Christians. (*trademark) So here it is:

How To Spot One Of Jehovah's Witnesses (A Guide For Government Employees):

  1. Check the hands! Jehovah's Witnesses have over-developed knuckles from all that door knocking they love to do. Not to mention dark spots from all that ink ground into their fingertips. Both are dead giveaways.
  2. Ask the suspected Jehovah's Witness to give a public talk. They will have no trouble speaking in front of an audience. When they start quoting from the Bible and actually wait for you to turn to the proper chapter and verse, you've got'em!
  3. Tell the suspected Jehovah's Witness that their god is a wimp...unless his followers admit they believe in him, that is. Most will be all too eager to raise their hands, jumping up and down as they confess. Many will even smile, merrily singing Kingdom Melodies as you drag them off to the local gulag. If that doesn't work, try saying, "Bok! Bok! Bok!" like a chicken. Works every time.
  4. Try advertising that "their literature has opened your heart to *The Truth (*TM)" and that you want to "study the Bible with them" in the local paper. Like a moth to the flame, no Witness can resist such a plea. Now sit back and wait for them to show up in droves.
  5. Scan the streets daily for people in cheap suits walking door to door on foot. No, they don't work for the Publisher's Clearing House prize committee! They're Jehovah's Witnesses, you knob!
  6. Just start talking about the good old days and how perfectly translated the King James Bible was before the government clamp down. Any Witnesses within earshot will instantly refute you. Just take'em away before they get too annoying.
  7. Lock the suspected Jehovah's Witness into a room and force them to watch R-rated movies while blowing cigarette smoke in their face. They'll beg you to haul them away.

-the Atheist Geek-

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