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The Atheist Geek's Top 5 Sci-Fi Annoyances

2/27/08

You may have noticed that the web site isn't called www.atheistnews.com or anything like that. (They're a different outfit entirely.) It's www.atheistgeeknews.com, dammit, and I mean it. Well, since I still want to fling Sci-Fi crap at pedestrians passing by after I've done the occasional review, I hereby Christen this new section with it's first article. Here is a list of the Atheist Geek's greatest annoyances with works of TV or movie sci-fi. Special note to Uber-Star Trek fans: I'm afraid Star Trek is one of the worst offenders known to mankind, so beware.

Impractical or Useless Technology

Am I the only one who's watched an episode of Stargate: SG-1 and thought the Goa'uld's weaponry was a tad ... lame? I mean c'moooon. These guys are literally running around carrying sticks and wearing ridiculously oversized helmets. What are they compensating for? Aren't their snakes big enough already?

And how about the security protocols aboard any ship in the Federation from the Star Trek universe? They seem to get overridden whenever the writer's need an alien to move about the ship unimpeded by force fields or whatever. There is a word for this sort of writing: it's called laziness. Try harder, Star Trek! Is it my imagination, or are Seven of Nine and Tuvok about the crew mates to use the holodeck to get laid? Now if they had made out with each other, my respect for Star Trek would have definitely gone up.

So to speak.

"Aliens" With Warts

I think Farscape (may she rest in peace) is the only TV show that gets high marks here. Star Trek is on the other end of the spectrum. Generally, to be an alien in the Star Trek universe, all you need are warts or funny ears. Then again, Stargate hardly has any aliens. Most of them are just humans, or humans with alien slugs.

Alien Sidekicks Who Can't Use Contractions

Any alien with superior mental or spiritual abilities in any sci-fi universe can't use contractions. It's just the law. There's Teal'c from SG-1 (whole warrior/spiritual thing going on), Tuvok from Star Trek (or about a full third of all the characters from Star Trek), and others. If they're so smart, then the occasional "can't" or "isn't" should be within their ability to grasp. It ain't hard. This is probably why Data kicked the old bucket. It took too long for him to say anything.

Impractical Warfare or Infiltration

This is a special case, because Star Trek is not the worst offender. Stargate is! How many times have they slipped aboard a ship that is mostly empty and devoid of guards? When Star Trek does it, at least the enemy is usually Borg who don't give a crap. They just sorta go, "Yeah, I see ya. So what?" and move on.

Gutless Storytelling

I tend to prefer gritty realism to the "butterflies and kittens" reality we're often confronted with in sci-fi. How many times has Captain Picard had to choose between saving a colony of thousands and the life of one cute little girl with pigtails? Does he make the only real choice and send that kid to her doom, or does he smash his fist on his desk and tell Geordi and Data to solve the problem in under 20 minutes of actual screen time? Awww, you know the answer. Wussies!

When the gang from SG-1 returns from a mission ... minus one member of their team ... do they give him (or Samantha Carter) a twenty gun salute and say their farewells? Or do they send every soldier they have in death's door to rescue a single team mate against impossible odds? Let's be real: it's a dangerous job. People die in dangerous jobs. Even regular cast members, dang it!

Here's the worst thing. The greatest offenders are usually the most popular TV shows. Farscape, Firefly, and other shows that are not only smart, but written by people with the nards to show us a tougher, grittier reality never last more than a season or four. Why is that? Well, I'm blaming you, America! You keep watching those "life is beautiful" kinda shows. You must be watching them because they keep showing them. All I can say is: grrrrrr!

Darn you. Darn you all. You're supposed to like what I like and that's it. I still can't believe that Friends was the best show of all time. I mean, really? Friends?!? I hated that show. Hate it real, real bad. Who watched that show??? You did, America. You did.

I hope you're proud. Think upon this, and know despair. Then start watching stuff that I think is cool.

Please?

Is this thing even on?

-the Atheist Geek-